Marriage God's Way by Kevin and Denita Leonard

My husband and I met in high school at the end of our 12th grade year. Prom was soon approaching and neither of us had dates. He asked me to prom, I said yes and that was the very beginning of our life long journey together.

As we continued to date we would often discuss marriage. I was raised in a Christian home and we were taught to date ‘God’s Way’ and then marry. We were 20 and 21 when we made the decision to marry soon. A lot of people were against our decision. They simply felt that we were too young to make such a huge, life altering decision. They felt that we couldn’t possibly be wise enough or

knowledgeable enough to enter into such a serious covenant.  Our parents, however, were among the few who were supportive. My mother and father were pastors of the church I was raised in and they both spoke with us concerning the decision. Soon after, we finalized our decision and set our date.

On February 4, 2005, at the ages of 20 and 21, we said our ‘I DO’s’. It was one of the the best days of our life.

Today, we’ve been married 7 years. Soon to be eight and we still say it was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. We don’t hold this sentiment in the midst of a trial-less Marriage but in the midst of an ever-thriving marriage.

My husband and I were aware of, just about, all that was expected from each of us in marriage. I knew Ephesian 5:22-25 all to well ...or so I thought. If I’ve learned anything these past seven years It’s been the true meaning and IMPORTANCE of a wives submission to her husband. When I was not in God's will in this area, our marriage would suffer tremendously. My husband was all to aware of the fact that he was to become the ‘Priest’ of our home and that he would be responsible for leading his family in worship and for establishing and implementing God's law in the home. It seemed all too easy from a distance; but when facing these challenges head on, my husband and I struggled,  As a result, our marriage suffered. We were aware of the snares the enemy would toss our way.

 

We were advised to pray together always, to forgive each other, not to harbor hate or bitterness, to keep communication lines open, to be honest and they were all things we planned to do. However, even these, assumed-to-be-simple, tasks became all so real. We both can testify to harboring unforgiveness towards one another. We both can testify to shutting down and closing lines of communication with each other. We both can testify to not fulfilling our roles, in our marriage, as God wanted ...and we suffered.

 

BUT, one day God dealt with us both seperately. He expressed the amazing plan he had for us and how we were allowing satan to steal all that he’d blessed our marriage to be. He showed us how, in one year (2012) the devil tried to drive us to end our marriage. And we both came together and cried out to God as husband and wife TOGETHER. And God moved on our behalf. We’ve been restored. This year was our Mountain and we made it over. SO CAN YOU!

We encourage any married couple who may be going through a difficult time or in an uncomfortable place............. PRAY! Don’t leave any room to satan. All he needs is an inch! Instead come together and pray. Love each other like God loves. Become selfless & put your spouse above yourself.

 

Marriage is a blessing and will be so meaningful and fulfilling when practiced God's way. God is a RESTORER. No matter where you find yourself in Marriage, God is MORE than able to Restore.

Make a decision to Love; not just in passion, but purposefully in action.  Exemplify the Love of God through your marriage.  And receive the harvest.

Kevin & Denita Leonard 

Who Told YOU it was 50/50? By Susan Holman

Thirty-five years ago, I was not in the church. I was raised in a cult that I didn’t agree with, and married a man in a similar spiritual condition. Our relationship was based on the 50/50 principle. We entered into it with an ‘if-then’ attitude. You know, If you do this, then I will do that. That’s what we thought marriage was supposed to be. No one was happy. We were going through the motions but neither of us was willing to commit ALL to each other. We later divorced. 

 

It was after all of this that I found a true relationship with God.

 
I connected with a minister friend and he taught me about Jesus. He told me how He went all the way to the cross for me, and if that wasn’t enough, He then went to hell to leave my sins there, and on to heaven to prepare a home for me. Now that is 100% and He did that for me! 

A year later, I married that minister friend and have learned over the years that I, too, must give my all...to Christ and to the covenants I have made with Him. This time I knew my marriage had to be 100/100. We would both have to give our ALL. And when my husband didn’t FEEL like it, I still had to give my all. And vice-versa. 

You see, marriage is all about Jesus. Marriage is a covenant with God. It is not a contract.  It is not just a partnership with my spouse, it is a blood covenant with GOD!

HE expects me to fulfill it even to death! If I live for Christ, then I must keep this covenant! [Now I’m not telling anyone to stay in an abusive situation. There are times when you have to leave, but make sure you are considering your relationship with God. He doesn’t change His mind, even though we change ours!]

Covenant-keeping is never about our spouse. It is always about us! God never told the children of Israel to do anything IF the other party was doing right. They were simply told to do right! And then He spelled out what was right. It’s the same with marriage. YOU chose your mate. YOU made a covenant with GOD concerning YOUR role in that relationship! Not your spouse’s role.

God expects us to love unconditionally, WE must keep every vow we have made...Whether our spouse does or not. It’s not about ‘them’. It is about us. (We can’t change anyone but ourselves!)

50/50 is just a notion that man made up to excuse himself from doing what is right. No one will get to heaven with a half-way attitude. Let’s go ALL the way….and if both of you give 100%-100% of the time...your marriage will be blessed beyond imagination. Don’t just try to do right in some things. Do it in all things and live!

Have you ever seen a cat on a tree hanging on for dear life?  As you try to pry it off, he cleaves to that tree; fighting to hold on like his life depends on it. Cleave to your spouse, holding on for dear life. Forsake all others-No one is to come between you and your spouse, not your friends, or family.

 

If you are not yet in the Body of believers...You need God to help you every step of the way. Find Him now!!! HE will help YOU even if your spouse never seeks God for themselves!

 
Jesus came that we might have life...and that more abundantly, even in our marriages! God bless you always.

Your Sister in Christ,

Susan Holman

 

 

 

A Husband's Prayer by Oscar Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you the most amazing gift given to me in this life, my precious wife.  May I always lover her, cherish her, and nourish her. 

Forgive me for those times I have neglected her and taken her for granted.

Lord fill my mouth with praise for her instead of complaints and criticisms.  Help me to talk to her when I don't feel like and share my most intimate feelings with her.  Help me to lover her like you loved the church, by dying to my own selfish needs and desires.  And remind me to always keep her in first position right behind you.

May I never abuse my authority as her head.  Teach me how to lovingly lead her back to you and never to myself.  May I always pastor her, protect her, and provide for her according to your will. 

Lord, this is my wife.  You have created her for me.  Let my love cover her sins and heal her brokenness.  May I encourage her in her own gifts and talents, and never be threatened by her abilities. 

As we are on this journey together, may I never leaver her feeling alone, but always comforted by my love.  And as we look back, may we never regret the journey, but enjoy it untile we get home.

In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

A Wife's Prayer by Crystal Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you, my love, my friend, and leader.  Forgive me Lord for speaking harshly to him.  Forgive me for not allowing him to be the man you've called him to be.  Forgive me for interfereing with his walk and his ministry.  Deliver me O Lord from unforgiveness and rashness of words.  Help me to be submissive to him, to be quick to hear and slow to speak.  Cleanse me from my own flesh, O Lord, that wants to hold grudges and recall the past.

Lord fill my mouth with pleasant words that will encourage him and lift him up.  Let my tongue be filled with the law of kindness.  And let me do him good and not evil all the days of my life.

Lord this is my husband.  Let there be no time in his life that I tear him down.  Help me, O Lord to build him up and to walk in holy submission toward him.  Teach me how to trust him, how to make him shine, and to love him. 

Lord, this is my husband that you've created for me.  May I never disrespect him; but honor him.  May I never damage his spirit, but encourage him.  May I never expect him to meet all of my needs,  but may they be met in you.  Let my love give him confidence, so that he does safely trust in me.  When our journey together is complete, Dear Lord, may he arise up, call me blessed and praise me in the gates.

In Jesus' name, I pray.  Amen

Love Thinks

She was crying as she lashed out at him.  He returned the vicious verbal attack to her.  We noticed they both were wearing wedding bands.  We sat there wondering, “How did this marriage disintegrate to this place?” 

On their wedding day, things were a lot different, certainly.  Neither of them would’ve ever imagined that they would be here.

So where does the breakdown of a marriage begin?  We believe it begins in the thoughts.  It has been said that our thoughts become our actions.  So before we can assault or scream or inject sarcasm, we have to think about it first. 

The enemy presents a thought to our minds through some offense, misunderstanding or even sometimes just randomly, without motive.  We make a decision to accept or reject that thought.  If we accept it, we meditate on it and then we gather other thoughts similar in nature to support the first one.  Then we stew in it.  After a short time, we are heated and ready to attack.  Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.  It all begins with a thought.

The Bible says whatsoever things are lovely, true, honest, of a good report, think on these things.  We often ignore that scripture and find ourselves filled with rage.  Just as negative thoughts can destroy a marriage, positive thoughts can build a marriage.  Just suppose you begin to think about all the wonderful reasons why you married your spouse, what do you think would come next?  A harsh word?  Hardly. 

Suppose your spouse didn’t pay the bill you asked him/her to pay.  Now you owe a late fee on top of the bill.  Your finances are already stretched.  There is a knock at the door of your heart.  Here come those negative thoughts: He/she is just irresponsible. He/she doesn’t love me.  He/she always does stuff like this.  I am the only one who cares about this relationship. You need to stop.  Because this line of reasoning will not end on a good note.  The thoughts will only get worse.  They will even dig up the past and bring old negative actions with them for reinforcement.  You are being set up for a fall.  But what if instead, you thought: he/she didn’t forget on purpose.  It was a mistake.  He/she loves our family.  He/she wants the best for us.  He/she does other things to build our family life.  And you allowed those thoughts to dig up some past positive actions, that same scenario would end completely different.  You would begin to smile and attract other kind thoughts.

Once, I overheard a woman talking about how she cursed her husband out in her mind. That is not productive to the relationship. We have to mature to the place where we make sure that the meditations of our hearts are acceptable in the sight of God. 

We must think on purpose.  It is far healthier.   Do not let thoughts run all willy nilly in your mind. Arrest them.  The scriptures tells us to take them captive. 

If couples learned to shut down those negative thoughts when they show up, marriages would be far healthier and happier. 

So what are you thinking?

Overcoming Loneliness in Marriage

We have seen married couples go on with life without each other. One spouse frequently goes on vacation without the other. They have separate social lives and some even worship at separate churches. What causes this? Why do we settle for lonely marriages, when God said that it is not good that man should be alone?

We think one of the major reasons couples settle for loneliness is that they get tired. They don't want to fight for the intimacy that is required to maintain oneness. So, they say. “At least we are not divorced”.  But should we settle for the least at the expense of God’s best for our relationships? It's not enough to keep you from divorce.

Understand there is a great difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. When you are feeling alone – it means you have no company. This could be physically true, there is nobody else present around you and this could be figuratively true, when no one else shares your views in a group of people.  When you feel lonely – this usually has very little to do with how many people are around you. This is an inner feeling of disconnection and it is usually the result of emotional trauma. It is the unresolved issues in the marriage that cause this disconnection.

When there's a lack of effective communication in a marriage, loneliness begins to slowly set in. The unfortunate side effect of loneliness is spouses tend to resent each other, to even turn away from their partner, and to rely on others for friendship and support. This can be quite dangerous to the relationship.

Marriage takes work.  A healthy prosperous relationship will not come without cost.  You must put in the effort.  And there will be times when you will not want to; or you will feel like what’s the use?  Nevertheless you did sign up for this - marriage and the work it involves.

So, let’s look at what  we can do to avoid loneliness or remove it from our marriage:

1.      Primarily, let’s not neglect the role of prayer in our lives.  Let’s pray for ourselves and each other.  Couples should set a time to come together for prayer.  Prayer connects us to God and our spouses and keeps our hearts soft.

2.      Secondly, identify specific examples of how and why you feel lonely. For example, your spouse might be absent too frequently. You may feel your spouse ignores you, or you feel communication is poor when you are together. Separate interests may be keeping you apart.

3.      Once the issues are identified, it’s time for a husband-wife meeting.  This is the time to hammer out the issues. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling and take time to really listen to each other's feelings about any distance in the relationship. Effective communication is key in overcoming loneliness in any marriage.Good communication skills are important to making marriage work, and will help deter loneliness.  Make sure you bring resolution to whatever issues arise.

4.      Finally, incorporate date night to reconnect with your spouse.  Spend this time having fun and learning each other all over again. Do this no less than once a week. Share experiences. Go for a walk together, or join in for a favorite show or game of cards. Make your partner your primary focus of attention. Turn off all the cell phones and other distractions.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse are the only ones who can change your situation. So if you want your marriage to change – by all means, change it!

Silence is NOT Golden! by Keila Allen

The common phrase that is referenced in the movies “Silence Is Golden” is a truth that is necessary for personal enjoyment in that arena. On the contrary, when this theory is applied in marriage, it produces nothing equivalent to anything pleasurable.

 I believe that silence stems directly from a lack of understanding and miscommunication.

I have struggled with this in my marriage, quite a bit. I am a newlywed and often times I am hit with the “It won’t be me syndrome.” Thinking as if everything that I heard from other couples (seasoned or not) won’t happen to me and my husband. Allowing deception and pride to make me think as if I have the secret to doing things differently and EVERYBODY ELSE just doesn’t get it. My thought patterns were… “Communication can’t be that hard, I won’t have communication problems with my husband, all you have to do is talk, when I get mad at him, I’ll just quickly tell him how I feel.

That all went down the drain as soon as I said “I Do.” I began to see how weak my communication skills were with my husband. The following forms of silence began… shutting down, being short of words, withdrawing, adopting the false peace syndrome-fake it until you make it, pretend nothing is wrong… eventually you will get over it….This was the silent syndrome. These symptoms arose in my marriage quite frequently and I found comfort in holding on to these forms of miscommunication.  

After many times of repeating these hideous behaviors, I began to feel a sense of “disconnection” from my husband and wondered where did it come from? Often times, I would notice this when we were riding in the car. There would be this space of silence from me for about 2 minutes. He would say, “Honey what’s wrong?” After about 10 to 15 seconds more of silence, funky attitude, and body adjacent to the door as if I was going to fall out of the car, I would say “nothing.” WHAT?! REALLY?! (probably were my husbands thoughts) how crazy was that! Obviously, this most definitely was not the way to handle this situation! End Result: My husband became aggravated and shut down as well. Umm let me see here… I was left agitated, my husband frustrated, and most importantly God was not delighted in my behavior whatsoever. In addition to this, if nothing is done about it, the behaviors will continue.  

Ummm attention everyone! Time does NOT heal all wounds, IF THE MATTER IS NOT DEALT WITH PROPERLY! More time with unresolved issues brings more discontentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and so forth. BEWARE! This will definitely lead to a divorce. An emotional divorce can take place in the marriage early on before the actual separation happens.

So after saying all of this, what is the answer?

Call for Help!-. This can be from trusted pastors, spiritual mentors, etc.

Line up with the word of God.- I began to accept God’s word as the standard for my marriage and if my actions were anything different, I needed to change. (clearing my throat) yes, ME! Not my husband.  God doesn’t give us the RIGHT to hold on to anger, or the RIGHT to not forgive! Getting an understanding on what the Bible says about communication and walking in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

Repent!- Apologizing to God for my actions and turning away from those behaviors. Asking God to change my heart and help me to communicate in love. Then apologize to my husband for treating him so badly.

What I have to do today to keep me from this vicious cycle of the silent syndrome?-

•  Know that your spouse is NOT your enemy!- Meaning when you attack your husband/wife, you are really attacking each other and not the issue at hand.

 

• Pick and Choose Battles- Everything doesn’t have to be addressed. Go to God and pray about the issue before it is brought to your husband/ or wife. Have a husband-wife meeting once a week to address the issues that God lays on your heart.

• Choose Right Daily!- Read the word. Get God’s heart on communication. Make a choice to respond the right way when issues arise, because they WILL come, it’s a matter of how they are handled.

Don’t have a movie marriage, adopting the silent syndrome and looking for temporary fixes to ease your world of emotions. Experience the oneness, fullness, and thrill of a lifetime in Christ with your spouse while there is time! 

Loving Like There's No Tomorrow

She called screaming, she had found out that she had cancer.  She felt scared, angry, vulnerable and confused all at the same time.  What was this all about?  How did she get it? Was she being punished?  She had many questions that none of us could seem to answer.  She so wanted to live.

Her husband was also caught off guard.  How did a routine examination turn into something so terminal?  He put up a tough front but was dying on the inside.

Their marriage was…as she put it - fair.  It wasn’t really bad and it wasn’t really good.  It could be better.  Just a few months before the diagnosis, she was frustrated with him.  They seemed to take each other for granted.  They argued over little things. She was sarcastic and he was harsh. They didn’t agree on much.  She wasn’t submissive.  He was somewhat passive.  And neither had an urgency to change. But now there was an expiration date on their ever after.  The doctor gave her 6 months.

This intruder that ravaged her body helped to put things in perspective for them. Over the next several months, things begin to shift in their relationship.  Her husband took her to her doctor's and chemo appointments.  He prepared her meals.  He helped her bathe. He held her when she cried.  And prayed with her when she felt hopeless.  They changed the way they talked to each other.    All the things that used to hold so much weight – now meant nothing.  Money was no longer a challenge.  There were co-pays to meet. And meds to purchase.  She acquiesced to his leadership. They made plans with simplicity. Each kiss and touch meant something more than it ever did before. The closeness that the two shared was something out of a romance movie.

And 10 months later, she died.

He no longer held his strong composure.  He wept like a baby.   And although the parting of his spouse was painful and difficult, he shared with us that he had received a gift.  In his lifetime, he experienced “Holy Matrimony”.  This couple had adjusted their marriage in light of the fact that this world is temporal.  And because of that, they were able to experience God’s best in the last few months of their marriage.  He did not focus on the time lost, but on the time granted.

It is in every couple’s best interest to live like tomorrow is not promised.  We would forgive quicker, make better decisions, fight less, and love more. We really shouldn’t have to get a diagnosis to cause us to love our spouses with everything we’ve got. The reality is – if you never get a diagnosis, tomorrow is still not promised to you.  We should not take each other for granted. Every one of our steps are numbered.  Live in love with your spouse.  Love him or her like there’s no tomorrow!

Naked And Not Ashamed by John & Minnie Hardy

In marriage, we have the privilege of allowing God and our spouse to help us walk through the complicated seasons of our lives. We also get to enjoy our successes together. We are eager to share our triumphs, but it can be a lot harder to share our difficulties or even hopes and dreams.

One of the benefits of marriage is being able to be naked before your spouse–both physically and emotionally. God’s design for marriage is that we would be one–in mind, body and soul. Transparency is liberating and contagious. We have found that transparency with someone you love, invites transparency. We now realize that talking through our fears is like turning on the light in a dark room–the boogeyman seems to disappear.

It took a while for John and I to learn to trust each other with our inner-most fears–for John, it was dying young. John has sickle cell anemia and at the time we were married was not expected to live past his 20's. With that in mind, fear drove his choices and decisions early in our marriage– he was afraid that he might die before he ever really lived. I was also driven by fear–fear that my “happily ever after” life would never be realized. As a result, there were times that I was afraid to give myself fully to it.

We invite you to do as Jesus did in the Garden (Matt. 26:39). He was honest in His communication with God, but submitted to the plans and purpose of His destiny. We are advocates of professional counseling–do not be hesitant to seek pastoral or professional Christian counseling to help the communication process when necessary.

Prayer Focus: Lord, please help me to be open and transparent before you and my spouse. I submit my will to you for your purpose. I choose faith over fear and transparency over secrecy.

Independent Newlywed by Aries Winans

“I got it!”

“I can do it myself!”

“I’m not handicapped!”

“I have two hands and two feet, I can do it.”


These are comments that I often made to my husband after we got married. I felt as if I was expected to let go of all my liberties as an independent woman. I could no longer cook a meal for myself- I had to make sure he ate too, I couldn’t take out the garbage, put oil in my car, book a flight and leave town with no explanation, or even go shopping whenever I wanted, etc.

I was accustomed to making late night runs to the store, taking late night drives and sometimes even late night walks just to get some fresh air - and I thought it was perfectly fine.

When I got married, I didn’t realize what it meant to become a team player. I had to learn how to allow my husband to lead me, how to follow, how to submit, how to lovingly serve him, how to share, how to communicate with my spouse and follow him as he is the head of our house. This was no easy feat! My husband and I bumped heads a lot, mainly because it was my way or no way. I would soon find out, although I’ve been taught what to do as a wife, actually doing it once I became a wife was a totally different story. It was time to grow up and lay down my will and take up the will of Christ.

In Genesis 2:18, God said it’s not good for man to be alone. Why then, would I decide to continue in my marriage with the mindset of a single woman? In the natural, I was married. But in my mind, I still wanted to do everything myself. Clearly, my mind needed to be renewed - and fast!

After nearly 2 years, a lot of prayer and a lot of hard work, I decided to take heed to the wisdom that was constantly being ministered to me by the women in my life. I recently attended a mentoring tea at my church where my pastor dropped some serious knowledge on us. She explained to the women that we are the weaker vessel and that is not a bad thing at all. It’s actually a huge blessing! IF we choose to receive it as such. Society teaches us that the “weaker vessel” is a degrading thing. In actuality, it is not. It’s great! Yes, I am the weaker vessel, so no, I can’t take out the garbage. No, I can’t go get the brakes fixed on the car, pump the gas or carry in the groceries. I am still learning how to wait for my husband to open the door for me instead of saying, “I can do it myself!” I willingly lay down all of those things that I was taught I “had” to do as an independent woman. Don’t get me wrong, if my husband needs me to help do anything, I am always more than willing to oblige. But I know that I do not have to carry the burden of being “independent” because I am not in this alone.

Furthermore, I learned that I am not to carry the mindset of an independent woman, period. I am to be forever dependent on my Heavenly Father. He is my source, my peace, my comforter, my life, the very breath that I breathe. He is the Lover of my soul and the lifter of my head. I must depend on Him to direct my path every single day.

Below are a few valuable lessons that I have learned and implemented to help me rid the independent mindset:

1) My husband is not my enemy.

2) I am totally accepted by my husband.

3) I am the weaker vessel.

4) My dependency is on Christ, not myself.

5) Study what the word says about being a wife.

6) Communication is key!

7) Lovingly allow my husband to lead our family. Stay out of his seat!

8) We are a team. There is no “I” in “team”.

9) Be confident in who God created me to be.

10) Let go of unrealistic expectations.


It’s a beautiful thing to be a “dependent” newlywed. I am “all IN” with being fully dependent upon my Lord and will continue to lovingly follow my husband all the days of our lives. I may not get it right every time, but as we move forward as a team, we will grow as we continue to totally depend and lean on Christ.

It's Worth The Fight by Lyntina McClendon

It's so interesting; it seems not many people are up for the fight to keep their marriages. All over the news we hear about the "hot couples" being the new victims of divorce proceedings after a bout with infidelity.


What's more interesting is that this is not exclusive to the secular world; we are seeing an epidemic of divorce amongst believers, when we know that God's word says "the two shall become one flesh".

What is it? Are we not strong enough to fight for our marriage? Is it impossible to hold back words of wrath and bitterness against our own spouse? Are we so flimsy that at the first occurence of a major issue we fold and throw in the towel? There is no question that today's marriages face an abundance of agitators and opponents of harmony: In Laws, Differences of Opinion, Infidelity,  Finances or the Lack thereof, Stepchildren and the other parent, Communcation Deterioration, Frienemies that encourage you to leave instead of insisting that you fight for your marriage. These are just a few of the things that are constantly coming at the married couple on a daily basis. It would be foolish, to disregard the severity of each of the above situations, because they are real. However, we can accomplish and conquer anything, if there is unity and a common determination - We are going to fight for our marriage and WIN.

It is very probable that today's statistics of split-ups and divorce is due to selfishness and slothfulness. If things are not going smoothly, instead of focusing on a strategy to find the root of the conflict and resolve that, we start giving deadlines for the spouse to straighten up or its "deuces". What a lazy way to combat a problem. Absolutely no resolve to fight. We show more resolve to fight when we see a mouse in the house. "I can't sleep until that mouse is dead", we say. We are willing to "give up sleep" to kill a mouse, but we won't get actively involved to save our marriage, we leave it on the other person to "straighten up" and that in itself is a selfish stance.

Did you stop to think that "you" might need to adjust something in your position? Did you stop to think that your spouse may take the same attitude you have taken? For both people to leave the solution on the other person makes the ground a Standoff. You stand off from each other. You stand off the vows you made for richer, poorer, better, worse. You stand off from becoming a tool to repair what is broken. You stand off from the fight, because it takes too much work. YOU STANDOFF AGAINST GODS WORD. The Two shall become ONE FLESH.

Now, I don't know of anyone in their right mind that fights their own flesh. When I stub my toe, my mouth screams in anguish! My hand grabs the foot and my knees buckle. My pores sweat indicating to the whole body, our toe is hurt and we gotta stop this hurt! Now it would be a sad picture to see someone kicking a wall with the intention of stubbing the toe, and then see that same person laughing and pointing at the toe, saying "thats what you get!" Sounds absolutely insane, doesn't it? Well that's just how we sound when we are attacking and hurting our spouse. YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR FLESH. To stab your spouse in the chest is to stab yourself in the back. Stop fighting each other and use that energy to Fight for your MARRIAGE.

It does not matter WHAT you are facing, you are much more effective TOGETHER. If you have the energy to talk on the phone to your friend about your issues, you have the energy to talk to your spouse to come up with a plan to resolve your issues. If you have enough energy to scheme and find a way to make your spouse feel low, you have the energy to speak well of your spouse and build up! You see, we are using the energy that is supposed to go towards the nuture of our marriage incorrectly. We are using it to tear down and that is not in God's will for you.

Take every ounce of gumption, strenth and intention that you have in your being and Fight for your marriage. Fight. Win!!!

To Forgive or Not to Forgive? By Lynette Hayes

Forgiveness is a choice, we all want it, but how often do we extend it?

Marriage is probably the only relationship that requires "daily" forgiveness. It is the enemy’s job to point out every flaw in our spouse (Revelation 12:10). As we focus on our spouse’s flaws we develop discontentment towards them. As discontentment grows, unforgiveness settles in, and unforgiveness is a breeding ground for hopelessness. When hope is lost, the topic of divorce is inevitable.

3 tips for preventing unforgiveness:

1.) Understand your spouse is not perfect. When we truly understand our spouse is not perfect, their mistakes are easily pardoned or released from punishment. Romans 3:10 says There is none righteous, no, not one. All have fallen short and all have sinned (Romans3:22-25) . Keeping that in mind, your spouse will continue to make mistakes throughout the rest of their life. However, if they apply the Word of God they will overcome strongholds; but they will never be perfect.

2.) Recognize your own imperfections- Matthew 7:3-5 says and why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Focus on you, God does not glory in us concentrating on others more than ourselves. The Bible speaks directly to us as individuals regarding God’s expectations for us, therefore we are responsible for our own actions. Besides we have to stand before God and give an account for ourselves and not our spouse. If we spend more time strengthening and developing ourselves we have far less time to focus on our spouse’s errors.

3.) Prayer- Prayer is a POWERFUL tool! It is one of the most intimate ways to interact with God. Our lives are changed as a result of prayer. If you are like I used to be, prayer is usually a last resort. In the past, instead of being my first response, it followed worrying, accusing, belittling, and nagging. When you pray for your spouse’s sin issues and shortcomings, God gives you a level of compassion towards them. Prayer not only changes your spouse’s life, it changes yours. God always shows us ourselves when we petition Him on behalf of our spouse. I believe he does that to keep us humble and to help us realize that we, too, need Him. I am so glad that God’s mercy doesn't allow me to receive what I deserve and His grace gives me that which I do not earn!

FORGIVENESS IS A REQUIREMENT FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. Often those who find it difficult to forgive themselves also find it hard to forgive others. Know that God has forgiven you and His love covers every mistake. Apply God’s word, Luke 6:36 says Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Make forgiveness a lifestyle it will transform your life as well as your marriage!

Marriage And Meatloaf by Charity Dean

I have only been married for 8 1/2 months. Since the day I said, “I do” to the man I love, I have learned so much about marriage. The most important thing I’ve learned thus far is that marriage is a lot like meatloaf.

If you were to Google “meatloaf”, you might find beautiful pictures of well browned creations oozing with the perfect blend of herbs and seasonings. You might find them well dressed on a beautiful platter. If you were to see a commercial advertising meatloaf, it would appear to be the perfect oval shape, with the perfect mixture of seasonings and ground beef. It may even be accompanied by parsley or perfect potatoes.

If you have never cooked meatloaf, you are in for the shock of your life, especially if your first creation looks more like disfigured tree bark, than meatloaf. You may be filled with disappointment and maybe even discouragment to find that the dinner entrée you prepared is nothing like the one on TV!!!

And so it is with marriage. There is an image that we, especially as newlyweds, have in our minds as to what makes a “good marriage”. We are far too spiritual and/or sophisticated to think we will have the “perfect” marriage. But we know what a “good” marriage looks like. We have seen them and that’s what we want. The reality is that most good marriages are like a good meatloaf. It doesn’t look perfect on the outside but the true test of its goodness is what has been put into it.

When I first got married, I wanted my husband and I to look the part. I wanted us to be together all the time. We had to dress alike and appear on the same page, at all times. I definitely hated when I went to church alone. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well or just wanted a day off. It would tear me up. “What would people think, if I was in church by myself?” I was more concerned about looking good than being good.

As we began to get to know each other, I realized that if I wanted us to truly be happy, I would have to get rid of my issue with appearances. God began to show me myself and it was not pretty. I had to ask myself, “Do I want him to just be with me at church or did I want him to have a genuine, relationship with God?” In order for him to truly experience the latter, I had to get out of the way and allow him to have his own relationship with God.

One thing I hate about making meatloaf is that you have to get your hands dirty. It’s not like washing off a chicken and seasoning it. Meatloaf requires a literal rolling up of the sleeves. It requires getting eggs and breadcrumbs and seasonings and COLD ketchup on your hands. You have to mix it all together with your bare hands. It’s pretty gross. But it’s necessary if you want a good meatloaf.

God showed me that it is the same for marriage. If I wanted a good marriage, I would have to roll my sleeves up and get to work. It would require being uncomfortable and getting dirty. For me, that would mean learning how to let God be in control. It would also mean that I would have to do housework (yikes!) and submit to my husband. I would have to always remember that God needs to be first in our marriage. He, like the egg in the meatloaf, would hold us together and keep us from falling apart.

I have never, ever cooked a meatloaf that looks like the ones on TV. I don’t think I ever will. My meatloaves are sometimes lopsided, sometimes flat, or sometimes just plain ugly. They sometimes fall apart even when I use 2 eggs to hold them together. But I have learned that it doesn’t matter. My husband loves my meatloaf; because what’s inside makes it a good meatloaf.

And so it is with my marriage, it doesn’t always look pretty on the outside. But my husband and I have committed to rolling up our sleeves and getting dirty; we are committed to keep God inside. And that my friends, makes it a good marriage!!

Speak Up!

“Why won’t my husband talk to me?” This is a common complaint we hear from wives. A man’s silence makes his wife feel disconnected and distant. It hurts to the core. She yearns for his heart.

Unfortunately women don’t realize that most times, they are the ones responsible for why their husbands won’t speak up. Men respond to the attitudes and disposition of their wives. So usually if a husband clams up, it’s because he doesn’t trust his wife.

Why wouldn’t he trust her?

Certainly wives may love, appreciate, and honor their husbands. Regrettably, her initial response sets the tone for their relationship. When she responds negatively, he doesn’t want a repeat of her negative reaction. To avoid it, he steers away from those conversations that could ignite another unpleasant response.

When did this happen?

You may not even remember him peeking his head out of the shell. But he did. It was something small. It may have been about his job, his extended family or his ideas, he has attempted at some point to venture out of his cave and share his intimacies with you. The problem is that you did understand that your initial response would shape your marriage for the long haul. Adam hides. If Eve responds in a harsh way, then husband recedes back into his cave never to share with her again.

Sometimes, he didn’t even get that far. He withdrew based on her reaction to his everyday decisions.

What did I say?


If a wife belittles him, gets angry, yells, rolls her eyes, cries, or criticizes him, she has shut him down. Even if what he proposes is a little extreme, a wife should handle her husband’s heart delicately if she wants him to trust her. The Bible says about the virtuous woman that her husband does safely trust in her. She is wise enough not to ridicule even the most outrageous idea. She hears him all the way out. She prays for him. She is wise and harmless.

A husband wants support, encouragement and respect from his wife. If he does not feel like he is getting it, he will shut down. She will only get that which is surface. He will not allow her into the deep recesses of his soul.

When this happens, it blocks the two from becoming one.

What’s worse is if the wife has shared his confidence with others. This seals the nails in the coffin. It is a dangerous thing to break the trust in your relationship. When you share with your family, friends, or even his family and friends, it is harmful to the growth of your relationship.

The wise wife builds her husband. She encourages him. She celebrates him. And she protects him.

What do I do now?

If you have been guilty, repent to God and to your husband. Explain to him that you have a new understanding. Share how you realize that you have hindered the communication in your relationship. Let him know you want to start fresh. Ask him to trust you again. Most times, he will. It probably won’t happen right away. But when you aren’t watching, he will stick his neck out again. Proceed with caution. Be his best friend. Let him safely trust in you.

Distant Lover

We were at a marriage event preparing ourselves to speak. We looked around the room; many of the couples were in anticipation. They were sitting close together, smiling at each other. A few were whispering in each others’ ears. One wife was even sitting on her husband’s lap.

However, we noticed a few of the couples sitting far away from each other, seeming uninterested in each other. One of them had an extra chair between them. It made us wonder, what happened to them?

Something happened.

Young married couples start out zealous, believing nothing can stand in the way of their love. After the honeymoon phase of their relationship, they settle into a sad reality, “This is just how it is.”

It is only when a couple believes that things “can’t” change, that things really don’t change. Consequently they find themselves choosing divorce. And that divorce is not always “natural” with attorneys involved, filing papers. Sometimes couples divorce emotionally. Day after day they go through the routines of life, living in the same house. They allow the distance to compound. They grow further and further apart until they are completely disconnected emotionally.

Emotional bankruptcy can happen in any marriage, if not guarded properly. When it comes to marriages, we don’t expect the challenges. But they come. And they come hard. Unfortunately our love wanes, because we do not love without condition. After a while, we begin to take each other for granted. By that time, many offenses have taken their toll on our emotions. And unforgiveness eats away at our relationship. So we allow the distance to linger. It’s sort of a self-protective measure.

The sad part of this is these couples are in the church and have access to the Undeniably All Powerful Christ. He who resurrects the dead is able to resurrect dead relationships. We do not have to live beneath our holy privilege. Our marriages do not have to die.

If you find that your marriage is growing distant and the spirit of divorce is creeping in, don’t settle for “that’s just the way it is”. Choose life. If you want a change, you will have to make that change.

Pray: Ask the Lord to show you yourself. Pray for your spouse and for your marriage. Listen to hear what God has to say in response.

Talk: Bring up the issue that has been keeping you apart. Share what God has told you with your spouse.

Forgive: Let go of offenses. Whether it’s your spouse, in-laws, children, or the Lord, choose to release the offense. And keep forgiving.

Plan: Turn the direction of your marriage. Reconnect with your spouse. Agree to let nothing come between the two of you and the Lord. Schedule date night and husband-wife meetings.

Do it!: Implement the changes that you have agreed upon right away. Don’t put it off one day longer.

Thank the Lord: Give God thanks for new life in your relationship. Thank Him everyday for your spouse.

Divorcing God

    We just received news that yet another couple is splitting up after 25 years of marriage. And another couple after 6 years. This is on the heels of the split of Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez after 7 years. So many others are fractured and heading in the same direction. Divorce is spreading like a raging cancer. There is no safe threshold. Couples divorce after a few months and even after 50 years. It’s tragic. Most people do not expect to ever divorce. We make our vows and at that moment, we mean it.

Then life happens.

Chores, bills, misunderstandings, child-rearing, work, in-laws, unemployment, sickness, disagreements, hurts, flesh, and the list goes on. And we forget that we promised to stick through the worse. ‘Til death do us part becomes 'til I can’t take it anymore".

Marriage is hard work. But somehow we are lulled into believing that marriage is one big romantic date. Hollywood with its own fragile marriages paints us a misleading picture. “It’s all wonderful”. And if the relationship is not nearly perfect, its time to get out and on to someone else.

What must God feel?

Marriage was and is God’s idea. We can’t redefine it, restructure it or revise it. His intent was that we would never ever give up on one another or His ability to keep us. He intended one spouse for a lifetime. It was not in his plans for us to toss one another aside. His heart is that two flawed individuals would come together loving, forgiving and holding on to one another past the hurts and imperfections.
 
He showed us how to love through his covenant with his infidel of a bride. She went whoring after other gods. He kept calling her into his arms. She spurned his advances. She hurled accusations and wounded him physically and emotionally. With the taste of betrayal in his mouth, he yet, cried, “Father forgive her..."  And He gave up all he had to keep her in covenant with Himself.


When a couple decides to marry, the two initiate a covenant between themselves and God. But when the inevitable storms come into our marriages, we don’t do our part. We let go. And the covenant we made with God is broken. We unwittingly serve God divorce papers. And He loses glory out of another relationship.

Let’s labor to make our marriages work. Too much is at stake: our love, our children, our word. The Bible admonishes, "When you vow a vow defer not to pay it".  We made a promise to God to hold on to our families.  We must get serious about keeping our covenant.

We are so blessed that God doesn’t divorce us. We are certainly worthy of it. Yet, He continues to love and keep relationship with us despite our many failings.

For Peace's Sake

Recently, a wife left her church; not before giving her pastor and the leadership staff a hard time and an earful. Her husband didn’t agree with her and felt like she was 100% wrong. However, he tagged along with her, when she withdrew her membership. His reasoning? “I just want to keep the peace.” First of all there was no peace in his house to keep or maintain. His wife was angry and raging, mostly because he didn’t support her wrong doings. And this would not be the end of her tirade. Next week, it would be something else.

God has positioned the husband to lead the family, but in this instance we find the husband following his disgruntled wife with aspirations of false peace.

Often in counseling, we hear a spouse render, “I just want to keep the peace”, when handling difficult circumstances. And more times than not, they are not in a peaceful situation. So it’s really not about “keeping” the peace or even a simulated peace. It’s really a position of surrender. Couples, sometimes, get to the place where they stop fighting for their marriages. The enemy wants to defile relationships. And his purpose is to wear out the saints. Unfortunately, we acquiesce. We tire of the fight and so we get to the place where we just go with the flow.

The Bible does not advocate keeping the peace. Jesus said, I came not to bring peace but a sword [Matthew 10:34]. The Bible doesn’t say blessed are the peacekeepers. It says blessed are the peacemakers [Matthew 5:9]. There is a difference. There are times when you have to make war in order to make peace. We are challenged to live and promote righteous living through a relationship with the Prince of Peace. When we follow Him, we will have true peace.

We are not to accept just any and every behavior from our spouse for peace’s sake. We are helpers one of another. And that help doesn’t always come neatly packaged. Sometimes we must upset the norm to promote the Gospel of Peace, challenging our spouses for Christ’s sake. We must care more for their souls than for our own comfort.

In Acts 5:1-11, Sapphira agreed with her husband to sin against God. The scripture says, with his wife’s full knowledge he kept part of the money for himself. Why did Sapphira go along with his evil scheme? Perhaps she thought he was right or maybe she just didn’t want to argue. Maybe she thought, it was easier to just go along with it. She may have secured temporary peace but death was her punishment.

On the other hand, Abigail, a woman of understanding, did not agree with her sinful husband. She stood for righteous against her husband’s wishes and she was honored for it [I Samuel 25].

You can stand for peace or against it. We stand against peace when we concede to unrighteousness. We stand for peace by disrupting that which is unrighteous and ungodly. What side of peace will you stand?

Listen Up!

Standing in line at a grocery store, there were two ladies in front of me. Now these ladies were of different cultures and obviously spoke 2 different languages. The first lady saw that the other had only a few items and extended an invitation for her to step in front of her.


Lady # 1: “Do you want to go in front of me?”

Lady #2: “Yes."

Eventhough, lady # 2 said, "Yes", she didn’t move. I noticed that woman #2  continued to answer yes, every time lady #1 repeated her offer.  But she didn’t understand what the other lady was trying to do. Her answer was yes, but her actions were something else.

This scenario continued several times. Finally the exasperated woman proceeded to the checkout without allowing the second lady to go forward.  Lady #2 missed her blessing.

This was a classic case of communication breakdown. She didn’t understand, but yet she answered. How many times in marriage has this scenario played out? For various reasons, one spouse says something and the other answers without ever clearly understanding what is being asked.

Sometimes, this can happen because we don’t tune into what is being said or we simply ignore the request. It is important that we take the time to listen, not only with our ears, but with our hearts. Communication involves more than just hearing. We should pay close attention to one another. There is an art to hearing what is not being said.

In this age of technology and multi-tasking, we must also work on minimizing distractions in order to hear and understand. Too often one spouse is texting, on the computer or watching television while the other is pleading to be heard. The distracted spouse needs to stop whatever he/she is doing and “really” hear his/her spouse.

The Bible tells us that in all our getting, we are to get an understanding (Proverbs 4:7b). We cannot move forward as a couple unless we strive to understand each other. Husbands are encouraged to dwell with their wives according to knowledge (I Peter 3:7).  However it takes paying close attention to really know your wife. A spouse may be annoyed and frustrated by the reaction of the other. Effective communication requires that we practice patience and become great listeners.

Whatever the case couples must seek to be on the same page in every arena of their marriage and work on those areas that need it most. Miscommunication can hinder us from moving toward oneness. Let us seek to understand. It just requires that you tune in and listen up.  There may be a blessing in it for you.

Marriage Isn’t Easy

We are on Facebook pretty often. We see it as a tool for our ministry. So we usually spend our time answering messages in our inbox or responding to questions from our latest teleconference. We are always interested in anything that has to do with marriage. So we also post tips to help strengthen marriages. We took notice of one particular young woman who was posting statuses about how wonderful her husband is. She always had something positive about marriage. She also recently started a marriage ministry. So of course, she would get extra “likes” from us. The problem is when we asked her about marriage ministry, she confessed that her marriage was in trouble and that she was in a difficult place. In fact, her relationship had never been on firm footing. Our response was let us help. She refused. But she continues the facade.


Particularly most people live successful married lives on Facebook. Their profile pictures are lovey-dovey. The comments and stats are positive and encouraging. They get to paint the world or image they want others to see. The problem is - it’s not real. If we were to judge the success of marriages just based on Facebook, the numbers would not match the disparaging real-life statistics.

In the cyber world, marriage looks easy. Post all stats about where you went on your last date. Only post favorable pics of the two of you holding hands, cuddling or some other envy provoking pose. Say sweet things on each other’s page. And that’s it – you’ve just built a successful marriage.

Unfortunately marriage involves so much more: bills, childrearing, handling conflict, in-law issues, health challenges, a neglected spouse, hurt feelings, money challenges, division of chores, etc. The list goes on.

It is helpful to no one to live behind the mask. It doesn’t help the spouses to live a fabricated life. They live beneath their spiritual privilege. They are hurt and wounded and often have no hope for a better relationship. It also doesn’t help those peering in. The fantasy creator causes others to be discouraged when this fairytale marriage finally breaks down. If you are going to live a happy cyber life, why not work to let that spill over into your reality? Jesus came that we might live a life of abundance in every arena. We really don’t have to fake it. However, it will take work. You will have to roll up your sleeves. Put in the work of prayer, denying the flesh, and chasing the devil out of your relationship. You can really live it. It doesn’t have to be make-believe. A genuine marriage ministers to others. People want the real thing, not a replica.

Married to a Mama’s Boy

   One of the most popular issues we see in counseling is women who suspect that they are married to mama’s boys. We live in a society when most boys aren’t clear about their masculinity; mainly because of the father’s wound. And they grow up without making that detachment from their mothers. Because of absent and distant fathers, we have created a generation of men who have become mama’s boys. A mama’s boy comes in different forms and fashions, but generally they have the same basic characteristics. A man is not a mama’s boy simply because he loves and honors his mother. There are defining traits. And they are negative. Here are just a few signs of a mama’s boy:

• He will have an unhealthy loyalty to his mother over that of his wife.

• He wants daily contact or nearly daily contact with his mom either via phone or in person.

• He always sides with his mom over his wife and children, if he has them.

• He has trouble making decisions without his mom, and might expect the wife to baby him.

• He may have financial ties to his mom, which keeps him on a short leash with her.

• If the couple argues or fights, the husband runs to his mama.

• He displays signs of immaturity and irresponsibility

• He does not confront his mother-in-law when she mistreats his wife or says unkind things to her.

Okay, so now that you've established that you are definitely, undeniably married to a mama's boy. Or if you are male, maybe you see patterns in yourself that you want to break. There is hope for either of you. The first course of action for the husband is acknowledgment. Realize that things may have gotten out of hand. Most times, this is not your fault. Circumstances and environment work together to produce a mama’s boy.

A child raised with an overprotective and over attached mother, not having a father in the home (deceased, divorced, etc). Or a father who is present, but absent emotionally. These conditions will cause a young boy to latch on to his mother.

The Bible says, For this cause shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7). It is challenging to the marriage relationship when the cleaving happens without the leaving.

A man who finds himself in this position needs to seek God’s help. He should begin to carefully break this tie with his mom and create a new relationship with her. He should start by having a talk with his mom. Let her know that you love and respect her but God is challenging you to another level in your manhood; and your relationship must change. She will have a difficult time hearing this. However, he needs to shift the relationship, anyway. Call her less often. Do not allow her to just pop over without an invitation. Do not side with her over your wife. In fact, you will need to confront her when she provokes your wife. It won’t be easy. But it will be necessary. Cut the purse strings. Borrowing or receiving money from her creates invisible power holds. Reallocate your time. Give more time to your wife than to your mom.

To the wife: your husband will have to do this himself. A wife cannot force this. The prayerful wife is a wise one. In fact, this is your first course of action. She should pray for her husband’s boldness and courage. Pray for his sensitivity to the spirit. Do not make him feel bad about being a mama’s boy. Most likely he doesn’t like it, but may feel powerless over her. Applaud him when he takes those bold stands. You will make it easier for him to continue.

You should not blurt out your feelings to your husband or your mother-in-law in anger. The Bible says to follow peace with all men (this includes your mother-in- law). This means holding your tongue from time to time when the line gets crossed.

Don't nag your husband about spending more time with you or choosing you over his mother. Set your limits in a kind manner, never in anger. It may be rocky during this time, but remain firm and kind.

Be cordial and respectful to the mother of the man you married. If you go head-to-head with his mother, you will not win. This is not your battle. It is his. Just support him as he takes a stand.

If you find that you're resentful pray and ask God to keep your heart. When you married him, he was a mama’s boy. It will take time for this ungodly soul tie to be broken. Seek wisdom from a mentor or spiritual leader.

Men can grow out of this stage of their life, if they choose too. It takes a wise woman to help him see it through. It will be ultimately up to him to set the limits on his mom and get free from the unhealthy influence she has in his life.