Married to a Mama’s Boy

   One of the most popular issues we see in counseling is women who suspect that they are married to mama’s boys. We live in a society when most boys aren’t clear about their masculinity; mainly because of the father’s wound. And they grow up without making that detachment from their mothers. Because of absent and distant fathers, we have created a generation of men who have become mama’s boys. A mama’s boy comes in different forms and fashions, but generally they have the same basic characteristics. A man is not a mama’s boy simply because he loves and honors his mother. There are defining traits. And they are negative. Here are just a few signs of a mama’s boy:

• He will have an unhealthy loyalty to his mother over that of his wife.

• He wants daily contact or nearly daily contact with his mom either via phone or in person.

• He always sides with his mom over his wife and children, if he has them.

• He has trouble making decisions without his mom, and might expect the wife to baby him.

• He may have financial ties to his mom, which keeps him on a short leash with her.

• If the couple argues or fights, the husband runs to his mama.

• He displays signs of immaturity and irresponsibility

• He does not confront his mother-in-law when she mistreats his wife or says unkind things to her.

Okay, so now that you've established that you are definitely, undeniably married to a mama's boy. Or if you are male, maybe you see patterns in yourself that you want to break. There is hope for either of you. The first course of action for the husband is acknowledgment. Realize that things may have gotten out of hand. Most times, this is not your fault. Circumstances and environment work together to produce a mama’s boy.

A child raised with an overprotective and over attached mother, not having a father in the home (deceased, divorced, etc). Or a father who is present, but absent emotionally. These conditions will cause a young boy to latch on to his mother.

The Bible says, For this cause shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7). It is challenging to the marriage relationship when the cleaving happens without the leaving.

A man who finds himself in this position needs to seek God’s help. He should begin to carefully break this tie with his mom and create a new relationship with her. He should start by having a talk with his mom. Let her know that you love and respect her but God is challenging you to another level in your manhood; and your relationship must change. She will have a difficult time hearing this. However, he needs to shift the relationship, anyway. Call her less often. Do not allow her to just pop over without an invitation. Do not side with her over your wife. In fact, you will need to confront her when she provokes your wife. It won’t be easy. But it will be necessary. Cut the purse strings. Borrowing or receiving money from her creates invisible power holds. Reallocate your time. Give more time to your wife than to your mom.

To the wife: your husband will have to do this himself. A wife cannot force this. The prayerful wife is a wise one. In fact, this is your first course of action. She should pray for her husband’s boldness and courage. Pray for his sensitivity to the spirit. Do not make him feel bad about being a mama’s boy. Most likely he doesn’t like it, but may feel powerless over her. Applaud him when he takes those bold stands. You will make it easier for him to continue.

You should not blurt out your feelings to your husband or your mother-in-law in anger. The Bible says to follow peace with all men (this includes your mother-in- law). This means holding your tongue from time to time when the line gets crossed.

Don't nag your husband about spending more time with you or choosing you over his mother. Set your limits in a kind manner, never in anger. It may be rocky during this time, but remain firm and kind.

Be cordial and respectful to the mother of the man you married. If you go head-to-head with his mother, you will not win. This is not your battle. It is his. Just support him as he takes a stand.

If you find that you're resentful pray and ask God to keep your heart. When you married him, he was a mama’s boy. It will take time for this ungodly soul tie to be broken. Seek wisdom from a mentor or spiritual leader.

Men can grow out of this stage of their life, if they choose too. It takes a wise woman to help him see it through. It will be ultimately up to him to set the limits on his mom and get free from the unhealthy influence she has in his life.