Overcoming Loneliness in Marriage

We have seen married couples go on with life without each other. One spouse frequently goes on vacation without the other. They have separate social lives and some even worship at separate churches. What causes this? Why do we settle for lonely marriages, when God said that it is not good that man should be alone?

We think one of the major reasons couples settle for loneliness is that they get tired. They don't want to fight for the intimacy that is required to maintain oneness. So, they say. “At least we are not divorced”.  But should we settle for the least at the expense of God’s best for our relationships? It's not enough to keep you from divorce.

Understand there is a great difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. When you are feeling alone – it means you have no company. This could be physically true, there is nobody else present around you and this could be figuratively true, when no one else shares your views in a group of people.  When you feel lonely – this usually has very little to do with how many people are around you. This is an inner feeling of disconnection and it is usually the result of emotional trauma. It is the unresolved issues in the marriage that cause this disconnection.

When there's a lack of effective communication in a marriage, loneliness begins to slowly set in. The unfortunate side effect of loneliness is spouses tend to resent each other, to even turn away from their partner, and to rely on others for friendship and support. This can be quite dangerous to the relationship.

Marriage takes work.  A healthy prosperous relationship will not come without cost.  You must put in the effort.  And there will be times when you will not want to; or you will feel like what’s the use?  Nevertheless you did sign up for this - marriage and the work it involves.

So, let’s look at what  we can do to avoid loneliness or remove it from our marriage:

1.      Primarily, let’s not neglect the role of prayer in our lives.  Let’s pray for ourselves and each other.  Couples should set a time to come together for prayer.  Prayer connects us to God and our spouses and keeps our hearts soft.

2.      Secondly, identify specific examples of how and why you feel lonely. For example, your spouse might be absent too frequently. You may feel your spouse ignores you, or you feel communication is poor when you are together. Separate interests may be keeping you apart.

3.      Once the issues are identified, it’s time for a husband-wife meeting.  This is the time to hammer out the issues. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling and take time to really listen to each other's feelings about any distance in the relationship. Effective communication is key in overcoming loneliness in any marriage.Good communication skills are important to making marriage work, and will help deter loneliness.  Make sure you bring resolution to whatever issues arise.

4.      Finally, incorporate date night to reconnect with your spouse.  Spend this time having fun and learning each other all over again. Do this no less than once a week. Share experiences. Go for a walk together, or join in for a favorite show or game of cards. Make your partner your primary focus of attention. Turn off all the cell phones and other distractions.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse are the only ones who can change your situation. So if you want your marriage to change – by all means, change it!