Blended by Crystal Jones

When we speak of blended families, we are usually thinking about step families. But when I think of blended families I think of more than that.  I think of the family I inherited when I married my husband – ‘the in-laws’. 

Most brides enter their new family thinking their own family superior.  I was not unlike the usual. We tend to cling to the familiar.  We take the stance, that “my family doesn't do it that way…or act like that”.  So new brides tend to be defensive in a lot of ways.  I saw a lot of things in the Jones family that I didn't understand and a lot of things I didn't like. I am sure they can say the same thing about me (lol).

It’s funny, but as I grew in maturity, I saw the Jones family through different lenses.  I saw the love that they lavished upon each other, even when they didn't agree.  They showed up for one another in full force whenever there was an event.  They checked on each other.  They helped each other. This was a unique bunch.  At their core is love and forgiveness.   They are close knit and have an amazing sense of family that I love and adore.  It is honor to be blended in.  Thank you Lord.

And it’s not just the Jones, but the Deans.  My daughter married into an amazing family.  We are so attached to the Deans.  They snatched our hearts and poured themselves in.  We celebrate everything together.  The Deans are a family of educators.  They are loving, thoughtful and extravagantly generous.  They comprise a small family, so our super-sized group makes us all feel connected in a special way. Sometimes, I wonder where the Deans have been all my life.  They are such a wonderful blessing.

My granddaughter’s mom is not my daughter-in-law, but has become my daughter.  We share intimate conversation.  I am her mentor.  She is a smart, beautiful woman.  Tamekia, her fiancé and her boys are also our family.  We've all been blended in. There is nothing we wouldn't do for them.  She knows it. 

My husband was just recently exposed to a whole new family when he met his dad.  The Davis family is much larger than our own.  God keeps expanding our hearts to feel us with so much love.  My husband’s siblings are such beautiful people.  They have opened themselves completely up to us, fully accepting us.  God is amazing.  What a bonus!  We are so in love with them. 

When I look at the many ways God blends families, it blesses me.  It’s not just the in-laws and the steps, its a hodgepodge of people that make us all connected.  If we do not learn to love and accept each other right where we are, we lose out on the best part.  Let’s not reject our in-laws or step families because they don’t think like us or act like us.  That’s the best part.  We get exposed to a whole new way of life that will enrich and bless us if we would just open our eyes and our hearts.

Why Doesn’t He Just Know? by Crystal Jones

I was talking to a young couple the other day.  She wanted her husband to go all out for her birthday and he just wasn't receiving her messages.  Her birthday came and went.  She was devastated. 

It wasn't that he didn't acknowledge it.  He did.  He just didn't do it in the way that she wanted.  Her problem is actually quite common.  Instead of telling her husband what she needed, she sat back in romantic expectation waiting for him to figure it out.  After all she had left an ample number of clues.  “Why do I have to tell him?” she demanded. Contrary to what you believe, ladies, your message cannot be delivered through osmosis.

I am asked the “Why doesn't He get it?” question quite often.  Many young wives have bought into a unrealistic relationship approach delivered by our culture.  This fantasy message is that the right husband will automatically know what his wife needs.  No instructions necessary.  And if he doesn't then he probably doesn't love her.  But it’s so far from the truth. 

The real answer is men are simply not women.  Their masculine brains do not process things in the same way we do. Often our signals are lost on them. This requirement for him to figure it out is unreasonable.  We are expecting our husbands to act like women.  A man is a man is a man.  He can respond to femininity but he cannot be feminine.

It has nothing to do with how much he loves.  It is how he is wired. The average husband really wants to please his wife.  He yearns to do those things that put a smile on her face. Ladies, we have to admit we are pretty complex beings.  We don’t often know what it is that we want, so how can he know?  Last week we were on a diet, but this week we want chocolate.  It can be tough being married to a woman.  Hormones and feelings can make things pretty complicated.

Let’s not lose out on really enjoying our marriages, let’s not expect our husbands to process our feminine longings with their male brains.  The best approach is to keep it simple.  Tell your husband exactly what it is that you want.  There is no romance lost in that.  It doesn't matter whether  it’s a hug, time alone, help with the chores, dinner out, or a particular birthday gift.  The best approach is to sit down and have a conversation. 

You have to appreciate that you have a man that WANTS to please you.  He WANTS to fulfill your wildest dreams.  Isn't that romantic enough? 

     

This silly game of ‘guess what I want’ is a dangerous path of disappointment.  So let’s practice those principles that make for a strong, healthy relationship.  No more guessing games.  Go ahead, tell him.

Don't Touch Me! by Crystal Jones

Nearly every married woman has uttered these words at some time in her relationship. She speaks them in the height of her emotions as a threat to her husband.  As if it is a pleasure for him to touch her while she is ready to explode.  No man find this pleasurable, or for that matter, even safe.  However he ventures to touch her anyway. Why? His intent is to calm her; to bring her out of this negative place to at least a neutral place. 

But she refuses his touch.  Perhaps it is her way to punish him.  Or perhaps she is not finished being angry.  She wants to remain in her fuming state so that she can teach him a ‘valuable’ lesson. While she is teaching lessons, she is shutting something down inside of him.  And later she wonders why things are changed or different, because she doesn't see the invisible damage she’s done.

Touch is powerful.  Healing is received through touch.   Ministry is released through touch. Touch signifies a relationship and can indicate and attract closeness.

 

The scriptures tell us in Matthew 18:19, Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 

A marriage relationship has an automatic ‘two of you’. You can touch not only physically, but spiritually by coming in agreement.  And the Word says the results are amazing – It shall be done!  If we asked God to bring peace to our union, He would just do it.

The marriage is most vulnerable when it has been wounded through offense.  This is the time that it most desperately needs a touch. Jesus ministered to men by touching them.  And it was not only his touch them that healed.  But there was a woman who was healed because she touched Him.  Touch is important.  Our brokenness can be mended through touch.  A gentle touch can turn a heated situation.

So why do we reject touch?  Because when we are angry, flesh takes it as an invitation to show up.   The Bible warns us to be angry but don’t sin.  Understand we can only sin when we are in the flesh.  So we have to be wary of our own anger because it can cause us to sin.  It’s fleshly anger that draws us out of the will of God.  We say damnable things that we ought not say.  We make destructive choices that we ought not make.  All because flesh was invited to a fight. 

Maturity teaches us how to have a righteous anger.  We remain in the spirit and attack the sin and not our lover.  We speak slowly and carefully, allowing the Lord to guide us.  When he says enough, or be quiet, we yield.  A righteous anger promotes peace.

An unrighteous, fleshly anger has no self control and a tendency to withdraw.  The spouse says whatever she/he thinks without weighing their words.  It’s as if the injured spouse feels the offense gives her a free pass to say whatever or do whatever she wants because she was hurt; as if there are no consequences for her actions.  Yes, flesh is tricky.

Isn’t good to know that God doesn’t treat us this way?  We’ve offended Him many times over.  But he doesn’t say “Don’t Touch Me!”  He knows that we are in desperate need of his touch.  We ache for it. We can only get better if we receive His touch.  It’s the same way in our marriages.

And I do understand that it is not just wives who refuse touch.  Sometimes husband refuse it as well. So whether you are a wife or a husband, this message is for you.  If you are ever brewing with anger and your spouse reaches out to touch you, don't refuse it.  Don't invite your flesh into your marriage. Resist the urge to withdraw.  You will receive far better benefits when you walk in the Spirit.  So go ahead and touch.

Changing Your Spouse by Oscar and Crystal Jones

Have you ever thought about changing your spouse?  Not everything… but some of the  little annoyances. If you are honest, you have to admit there are some things you want to change about your spouse.    We all do. Maybe you want more your spouse to be more affectionate, on time,  a better financial steward or just be a neater person.  Maybe you want your mate to be more relational with his/her family, more faithful in his/her walk with Christ or quicker to forgive others.  These things are not unreasonable. In fact, the change you want to see would actually benefit your spouse.  A tweak here or there.  We all see things that we want changed.  The problem is we can’t change our spouses.  No amount of nagging, talking, crying or pleading will work.  Those activities aren't the magic wands of change.

That doesn't mean your spouse won’t ever change. Change may come but we cannot orchestrate that change. First of all, we are not skilled enough to cause that change to come.  God uses the right recipe of grace and mercy to bring us to a place of change.  He knows the right timing to bring each particular area of concern to light. He knows how to deal with the painful areas in our lives that got us here in the first place.  His love covers.  As humans, we may know the destination, but not clearly understand the route that needs to be taken. We would just trample all over sensitive places just to get to the change.  God doesn't do that.  He is all knowing.  He understands both how we got there and how we need to get out. 

Not only that, it really doesn't feel good when your spouse is constantly trying to change you.  It makes you feel like you are not accepted the way you are.  God alone is God enough.  He doesn't need any help from us.  His molding is therapeutic.  It may still be painful just not in the same way.    

So what should you do if you see areas that need to be changed?  You can patiently pray for that change to occur.  But you can’t execute the change.  You said, “I do” to your spouse right where they are. So love him or her through it.  It is NOT your personal assignment to change him/her.  Can you share an area of concern every now and again?  Only as we are led by the Holy Spirit. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in His timing.  We don’t get to help Him.  We simply must obey His leading in our lives.  'Cause isn't that how we want it for ourselves?  Please be mindful, there are some things your spouse wants changed about you.  

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by Keila Allen

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 As this phrase rings in my head over and over again, I’m brought to a place of thankfulness and appreciation for my husband. After being unemployed for a little over two months, he started a new job today, 9.10.13. New schedule, new routines, new expectations… how would this day play out? How would I feel at the end of the day? Having to entertain my precious but yet LIVEacious (yeah I made it up) toddler ALL DAY, w/o release time from her dad? Yikes! Ok, my mind began to prepare for the challenge. 

The more that I planned the day, the more I found myself thinking about my husband. I thought about how long his drive would be to his new job. What work would he be required to accomplish? What new people would he meet? Would he actually EAT the lunch I made him? No blasts on me or him! He just forgot to eat lunch at his last job due to the fact that he was so busy. He was only gone 30 min and I already was envisioning the moment he returned home.  It was funny to me because all I could think about was him.

The phrase returned yet again to my mind, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I conclude that I’d rather be absent from my husband than distant. Absence is the state of someone being away for an expected short period of time, and being distant is the state of someone being disconnected with an uncertain amount of time and definitely can occur while the person is present. Absence brings anticipation and distance brings disappointment. Having experienced both of these feelings in my marriage, I choose absence!  I anticipate him calling me on his lunch break. I anticipate him texting me. I anticipate him giving me that looong greeting of a hug and kiss when he comes home. It just feels so different than that usual kiss or hug. It’s so easy to take these small acts for granted.

Our recent move to Georgia has caused our marriage to improve in various ways. We have spent unusual amounts of time together while transitioning from one state to another. We have been truly learning how to live and operate as a team. In the past three years, we have struggled quite a bit in the area of prayer, problem solving and communication. We thought that we were operating as one, but definitely didn't grasp this concept until now. We were flooded with selfishness and individualism IN our marriage. 

When you operate as a team, the award doesn't go to the wife or the husband, it goes to the MARRIAGE and God receives the glory. When the husband’s motive is to please the wife and the wife’s motive is to please her husband, you end up ministering to each other.  This is the familiar phrase that most of us that are part of MFAL (Marriage For A Lifetime) have heard, “Do What’s in the Best Interest of the Marriage.”

Marriage is really a beautiful gift from the Lord. Now that our season has changed, I’m truly thankful to the Lord for giving me a positive perspective on this situation and an opportunity to MISS or be absent from my husband. Often times I find that when I pause and reflect on ways to serve and please him and NOT my needs, it rekindles feelings that I may have neglected or left unappreciated. Marriage is something that you have to protect and pursue on a constant basis, just like anything else that is meaningful. Instead of letting my heart wander while he’s gone, I’m choosing to let it grow fonder and stronger in anticipation of his sweet return.

The Right Help Part II by Greg and Saryta Colbert

In our last blog, we covered the benefits of finding the right help, and how with the right help we are provided with the treatment necessary to begin the healing process and then led in the direction of a healthy married life.

In addition, we have found that finding the right help is just the first step. Once we obtain the counsel necessary, we must then apply the instructions given to continue the healing process. Let’s continue with our story.

After being assured we were in the right place and receiving the necessary treatment, we were provided with care instructions to follow once we were home. We would have to be sure to clean the area at least 3 times a day. The area would need to be thoroughly dried and aired out for a while. Next we would have to apply the cream to the wound and wrap it in gauze to protect it from bacteria and infection. They informed us to be liberal with the application of the cream, more is better to help with the healing process. Once the healing began, we no longer were required to wrap the wound in the gauze, but were to continue to apply the special cream. This cream kept the area soft and free from a hardening scab. It kept it from beginning to dry out rapidly and cause itching, irritation, and scarring.

As you can see, there were very specific steps we had to take to assure that the wound our son suffered was able to heal properly. We have found that this is similar to our marriage relationship. The primary intent of instructions is to prevent casualties and produce healing and healthy growth. Oftentimes we tend to view instructions in a negative fashion, feeling that we are being stripped of what we desire and how we feel about the matter. But when we are able to see the benefits of what we are kept from and the rewarding relationship that is produced, we are then able to see the value in instruction and follow through. This is all found in the application process.

Cleansing – Renewing

Before anything could be applied to the wound, there had to be a cleansing process. A removal of the harmful, infectious, dead areas exposing the area that needed to be treated. In Romans 12:2a the Bible says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. This is the process of removing the toxic mindset and habits that we have acquired through experience or faulty teaching and then being exposed to the life giving power of God’s Word.

Aired Out – Communication

Communication is the key. Not just any type of communication, but seeking out righteous communication. This applies to the individual that keeps everything bottled up, as well as to the individual that tells how they feel with no discretion. The goal is to afford each other a safe environment to effectively and efficiently communicate the issues and concerns that arise in the relationship. Prioritizing the Husband/Wife Meeting is vital to the health of your marriage.

Apply Cream – Application

In Matthew 7:24-27 we see two houses that experience the exact same circumstances, but two very different outcomes. They also received the same instruction. What separated disaster from triumph was one basic principle… application. One house stood because it put into practice the instructions given. The other house fell because it did not put into practice the instructions it was given. Information without application creates frustration. Our marriages have the potential to be healthy as long as we are willing to apply what we learn.

Wrap It – Protection

This is just a reminder of the initial concept; finding the right help. We have to be very careful and selective when it comes to who we expose our wounds to.  It is well advised to have individuals in your life that provide a type of covering for your marriage. This keeps you accountable so that you don’t find yourself “covering up” the matter but seeking counsel from a protective “covering.” 

Apply Liberally – More is better

The goal is saturation. We must get into the practice of saturating our marriages in godly practices, continuing to encourage exposure to the right things even after the wound begins to heal.  James 1:4 says “But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” God’s ultimate goal is not just a marriage that is healed, but one that is whole and complete.

The great part about consistent application is that it changes the natural habit of things. In our sons example, the application of the cream kept his skin from responding in its natural way by producing a hardening scab and eventual scarring. In our marriages, when we apply the prescribed material, we will begin to see that our natural habit of harboring unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment will change. It will prevent a hardening of the heart and produce a heart that is soft, pliable and receptive.

Finally, when the healing has begun, we will no longer have the need to wrap up the wounds our marriages have suffered. What appeared to be chaos and destruction now has the potential to become a testament of the power of God’s Word activated by application.

Apply Liberally,

Team Colbert

The Right Help by Gregory and Saryta Colbert

About a year and a half ago, we had to take our youngest son to the hospital because of a 3^rd degree burn he suffered on his right forearm.  When we arrived, they quickly began treating the burn. He wasn’t in much pain, which was later explained that the burn was so severe that the pain receptors had been burned in that area which kept him from feeling any pain associated with the burn.

They proceeded to clean the burned area and after it dried they applied a special cream for this type of injury. They wrapped his arm in gauze and then explained to us that we would have to be very intentional regarding the care for the next week or so.

They were glad we brought him into the emergency room when we did, they had seen many cases like this where people thought they could just apply whatever they had at home in their own medicine cabinets and later suffered a worse effect due to infection. Some even suffered things as bad as gangrene and had to have that area of the body cut out or even amputated. What a relief to know we took care of the issue before it had gotten worse.

All of our marriages experience times of hurt, pain and injury, leaving them in need of emergency attention. Over the course of our marriage, we have found that there are a few different ways in approaching these types of injuries. Often times we choose to ignore them all together, hoping to keep the peace. Our pain receptors become so injured that our response is numbness. We then sweep the issues under the rug with the thought that one day they will dissipate into thin air and never plague or marriage again. Or maybe ignoring issues is not your style, and you’d rather choose to handle things yourself. Allowing the popular teaching “what goes on in the house, stays in the house” to become your basis of taking matters into your own hands. We can also tend to find value in sharing our marital dysfunctions with an outside source. Only to find out that it’s not the sharing but who you share with that makes all the difference. It wouldn’t have been beneficial to take our son to Chuck E. Cheese or to Toys R Us, when those places don’t provide the type of assistance we needed at that particular time. In the end, we have found that the starting point in the healing process of our marriage is getting the issue to the right help.

The right help is able to provide the treatment necessary to begin the healing process and then lead you in the direction of a healthy married life. We’ve found that the take home instructions from the right help are the catalysts to prevent further injury and produce health and healing. The Bible says in Proverbs 11:14 (MSG) Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.

God has designed our lives, and proven through scripture that a life with the right help is a life inspired to do better. We must begin to identify the people around us who exhibit the fullness of the mind of Christ and maximize these potential opportunities that add Godly value in our marriages.

There is an innumerable value to finding the right help from the right people; furthermore, it is the application that separates the good marriages from the great ones.

We look forward to continuing with part II of this entry: “Apply Liberally.”

Who's The Guest? by Anita Daniels

     When we begin to make our guest list for our wedding, the most important and first person should be God. And more importantly He should always be present in our marriage. 

On our wedding day, we stand before God, the pastor, family and friends.  We say we will love, honor and cherish from that day forward. Then the marriage begins, and all the sugar plum thoughts in our head dissipate.
Marriage is really a good thing but its work and you have to show up every day. It's not to be taken lightly.  Every situation can't be a 911; and if it is, then God should receive the call. We give the most intimate details of our marriage to everyone but the two most important people, our spouse and God. While at the altar, we declare the three-fold-cord can't be easily broken... until the first disagreement
surfaces. Then the selfish side comes out, 'my way or no way'.

Now over the years, I have learned that thinking like that will not get you going anywhere fast. I have
made up my mind before even opening my mouth that I should go back to the first person on my guest list, God. Through many days of crying out to the Lord I have seen the change in my marriage, it has not always worked out the way the way I thought it should. But I kept trusting and believing that He was working it out for the good of our marriage. In times when I didn't understand, I yet stood still; even in the middle of adversity.  I was able to see that God was already ahead me. His thoughts were now becoming my reality. Every good and perfect thing comes from Him.

No way am I saying that I have a perfect marriage, but we have developed ourselves according to what God says in His word about marriage. My husband is the head and I follow his lead, whether I agree or not.  When I was single and very much independent,  I desired to have a mate. How could I ask God for a man that he called to be my husband, but I wasn't willing to hear him. That's so disrespectful. I had to learn to respect my husband; come into agreement, live in unity and be on one accord. I learned it's not about me. 

We go to jobs, churches, social gatherings, and through our day to day routines and submit to
the protocol.  We even give strangers a piece of ourselves, then return home to shut down
to our spouse. This is not God's way.

Love is a action word.  The way we pursue other people, things, and places, we should pursue our spouses with that same passion. So the next time a disagreement  arises, keep in mind that your friends will always tell you what you want to hear (unless you have wise counsel deeply rooted in the word of God). So have a little talk with Jesus - your best guest.

Remember the vows - you stated to love, honor, cherish and to passionately pursue your spouse everyday.  Your spouse deserves the best of you, and as you give it to them, you will get the best of him or her. Even if you not quite "there" in your marriage, seek God, pray, and just have a little faith - because you will see the victory in your marriage!

Hard Conversations by Pam Houston

  In our relationships we have to make sure we hold hard conversations when making a decision about a vital matter that ultimately affects both parties.  Much of the time we tend to agree on a matter without fully talking it through in anticipation and preparation of what COULD happen in the future.   We do not talk about the pros and the cons.  One person throws the matter out there and the other unknowingly, with good intentions quickly agrees without thoroughly examining the matter. 

Fast-forward 3 months from now, and that agreement which was made ever so quickly, without being talked thru on both parts is causing problems.  Situations are arising.  Frustrations are setting in. Pressure is mounting.  Bitterness starts to take its toll and all havoc breaks loose.  The original agreement is diluted and we find ourselves in an aftermath of chaos; and one finds himself or herself  talking about “Ummm, I did not sign up for this!!!!!!”  This is all due to the “hard conversation” that never took place. 

It is better to schedule those challenging matters for our husband-wife meetings.  It is allows the necessary space and time to have the “hard conversations”  One example is if a husband gets laid off from his job and his wife decides she is going back to school to further her education so that it can make an impact on their future.  Sounds good, right?  Sacrifice now and it will pay off later?  They quickly agree to the idea without thoroughly having the “hard conversation”.  One day, he/she gets home and there is slamming of doors, attitudes flying, one is attacking the other verbally.  Things that should not be said are being said.  One is ready to throw in the towel…”I am too stressed; you have to get a job. I can not do this anymore.  This just is not fair and I need help with all these bills!!! (Even though they previously made an agreement.)  

The “hard conversations” are really talking things through in detail.  The pros and the cons, and every minute detail should be included so that each is very clear on what can happen. The couple is prepared in the event that one may “lose ground”, feeling overwhelmed and having a rough day.  Because we have already discussed this, we are ready to support one another in any situation; and we talked about some of the things that could arise in advance.  Basically, we are pre -acting by having that “Hard Conversation”.  Now! This is something we expected.  We can do this!!

 

In turn, this prevents the enemy from gaining ground in this relationship and the negative situations that may show up from time to time.  “Hard  Conversations” cover the bases and now we have protected ourselves against the fiery darts of the enemy and the attacks that take place.  The spirit of division has less of a chance of slipping in because we sat down in our husband-wife meetings and had those hard conversations.  It can be used to diffuse the enemy’s tactics at the gate. 

Couples will often find that we face challenges together but if we use these types of communication skills, these “hard conversations” and make them a priority when making decisions as a couple.  We should all dig deeper and go beyond the surface.  We just may prevent one very un-welcomed situation!!!! 

Do You Have A DEAD SEA Marriage? By Carleton & Angela Booker

           Why do so many marriages fall apart?  Couples who once seemed so into one another – have lost the love they once held.  Spouses begin to question, “Who are you?”

            What exactly causes the death of a marriage?  My wife and I have ministered to a lot of married couples and shared our story; which has not always been easy. Our marriage has been no fairytale; but we have learned many lessons over the years that have shaped our marriage into to what it is today. We have gone through the good, the bad, and the ugly in 36 years of marriage; and at one point we, too, asked the question: “Who are you?”

One evening I was watching a television show on Alaska.  They were talking about how extreme the weather conditions can be and sometimes it gets well below zero degrees. When this happens everything is frozen except the water in the homes.  As I was watching the show, I wondered why the water in the home was the only thing that didn’t freeze. The Lord quickened my Spirit and delivered the answer to that question “Who are you?”

            For a moment, let’s put on our spiritual eye glasses and look at Newton's Law of Motion. Newton’s Law of Motion states if no external force is applied to an object and the object is at rest, it will remain at rest. It also states if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Now let me connect the dots for you! In order to get water into the homes during extreme weather conditions in Alaska, the water must be continuously moving. If at any point that water is not moving, it will freeze in the pipes and no water will flow into the homes.

This is exactly what the devil wants to happen in your marriage. He wants us to stop moving spiritually and physically, avoid getting in the Word, and stop praying, stop dating, stop loving.  The enemy wants to keep the Spirit of God frozen in your life. Whenever we have encountered this issue while counseling couples, they have no clue how this happened within their relationship.  Newton’s Law of Motion says if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Many couples find themselves stuck and not moving forward with many aspects of their life. They stop moving forward with each other, in love, and intimacy! Whether you have been married one year or thirty years, one day you may wake up and ask the question “Who are you?”  This only happens when we stop growing in our union with Christ and with one another.

            Have you ever been near a lake or a river that is not moving? You will notice it becomes green with algae and will even begin to stink! This happens when there is lack of proper circulation, filtration and sanitation, which is the primary cause of the algae. Many couples find themselves in a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE” filled with stinking algae.  How do you avoid a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE”? Your marriage needs constant flow and movement in order to have growth. Pray for your spouse, study God’s word together, talk to her, spend time with her.  Keep it moving!

Before I close I want to leave you with this word: Exodus 14:15 "And the Lord said unto Moses, wherefore cries thou unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward".
In this passage, God had already given Israel deliverance from the Egyptians as they are headed toward the Promised land. They came to the Red Sea and the enemy was not far behind them. They were stuck. The only direction for them to move was FORWARD. However there was no apparent way to go forward. There were no boats, bridges and no possible way to swim across. Moses cried unto the Lord and God said, “Tell the people to get moving!"  When they did, God did something he had never done before; and Israel walked on dry land.

A miracle happened when they began to MOVE FORWARD!

If you find your marriage extremely frozen with no movement or asking yourself that dreadful question: “Who are you?” I encourage you to move forward with the velocity in your marriage and apply external force together. Move forward together and don’t let your marriage be at rest or it will remain at rest.

 

Learn To Make Love By Torrona Tillman

As I searched for a definition and understanding of “relationship”, I discovered something much more comprehensive on my journey.  That one word has been ringing in my ear for over a year now.  At first, I simply thought it was concerning a fellowship that I began with a beautiful group of women, but have come to understand that it runs deeper than that.  Relationship can be defined as the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.  That is truly a mouthful.  Looking at marriage and friendships in society in general, that definition can really make or break us.  Think about it - 'How I regard and behave towards my spouse'.   What a powerful life inducing thought!

When we really get committed to our marriage, we become protective of its very existence.  We defend it till death do us part… against all onslaughts and attacks.  What attacks could I possibly be speaking of concerning such a wonderful intimate union ordained by God Himself?  We must place up defense shields against hurt, offense, bitterness, un-forgiveness, anger, lust, jealousy from without, gossip with others about our marriage, unresolved issues, distrust because of past hurts, and the list continues. 

Understand that having a life-inducing relationship is not a given in a marriage, just because vows were exchanged on a sunny June day.  It is a terrible and sometimes life threatening assumption to believe 'relationship' in its life sustaining form is a given in every marriage.  We often believe that we are marriage material and marriage-ready just because we meet someone and 'fall in love'.  This is hardly true. 

When we marry, we really are just adrenaline and endorphin driven individuals operating 'under the influence'.  In that state of heart and mind, everything is peachy king and all is right with the world.  That is the place we usually roam around, prior to the vow exchange.  But as soon as the honeymoon ends, we start drinking black coffee (reality check).  We get snapped out of our high, and start asking questions like 'How did I get here? What am  I doing? Why did I marry you? Why didn't I see this? etc, etc.  Sound familiar?

Let us understand this one thing, that this IS NOT the time to end it all or run away.  It is actually the time for true relationship to begin.  It now becomes the life long journey to fall in love.  We must learn how to 'Make Love'. I am not referring to sexual love. I am referring to the love of the heart and soul.  Marriage is a lifetime covenant relationship that God instituted to glorify himself, enhance mankind, replenish His earth, perfect you in His image and 'bless you out of your socks!’  I know many people question whether their marriage was put together by God, so they feel they have a right to rip it apart and walk away and began again.  Let’s all agree to this one thing: marriage was God's idea and design, not man or woman's, but Father God.    Marriage is meant to be protected, defended, nourished, honored and cherished.   Anything less is murder by suicide.  Let us reject the enemy of our souls and societies whims and fads, and let us hold dear what Father holds dear.  Let us defend what Father God gave to us as a gift of life and love.  Let us not falter and fail, for fear of pain and disappointment, pride and prejudice.  Let us stand with open arms of grace, mercy, truth and unconditional love and respect.  Let Us Learn To 'Make Love'.

Valuing Marriage by Warren and Stacey Flowers

From the first day you're born, you enter into a relationship with someone. This multiplied by family, friends, acquaintances, peers, co-workers and of course boyfriends or girlfriends. These relationships are important because they shape, mold and build character. However none will impact your life more than marriage.

A marriage is what you make it. We have the power to build or break it. To value marriage one must first value God. It's important that we value our relationship with the Lord. In turn this overflows into our marriage. Marriage is not a man and a woman co-existing together with separate duties. It is actually a man and woman coming together in a union under and in God. Now I, Mr. Flowers have always been fascinated by words and playing on them. When I was young I saw the word "together" and thought "to-get-her". Thankfully I got older and thought "to-gather". I see the same word now and I think "two-gather". For me, this takes the phrase "two is better than one" and gives it clarity. 

We are not just partners or a couple. We have the same vision, mission, goals and desires. We are therefore a team. Unfortunately, we have not always performed as a team. There was a time when we both co-habitated and took on roles. I, Mrs. Flowers, was unemployed and I stayed home ensuring a warm, clean home. He went to work day after day, ensuring security and paying bills. But my husband would come home and watch Sports Center. I would go into another room and play the PS3. There was no relationship; nor communication between us. This is very unhealthy for a marriage.

To have a successful marriage you must invest time, communication and love. God must be first. He is the source and that relationship is most important. We learned to first invest in our relationship with God and value it with all of our hearts. Once we started doing that, it poured over into our value of one another. God is to be first, he makes all the difference. Marriage was and still is a gift from the Lord, to be accepted, respected, and never neglected. We encourage singles to look forward to it and married couples to continue enjoying and appreciating it. If you asked us "What's the value of marriage?" We'll answer, "Priceless."

Team Flowers

NOT AGAIN! A Husband’s View on Marriage Retreats by Shannon Parr

“Is it that time of the year already?  Our church’s annual marriage retreat was just announced and I haven’t filled my calendar with something I can use as an excuse not to go!”
 
Why this attitude is so prevalent is a mystery to me.  My wife and I were fortunate enough, in the beginning of our marriage, to see the value of marriage conferences.  These often awkward and uncomfortable weekends birthed wisdom and protection in our young marriage.  It also saved my marriage before it needed saving. 

Here’s one such lesson and how it played out: 

First of all, God has an awesome sense of humor.  We are Americans that traveled to Canada, to hear a white couple from South Africa.  The lesson that weekend for me, “Soul Ties”. 

They shared about the connection that can happen between two people of the opposite sex that is similar to a kindred spirit.  On the surface it seems simply friendly, but there is something “beckoning” you to spend time with this person with the honest intent of just being friends.  It is this beckoning that should concern you. 

Here’s what the speakers didn’t know about me.  I love my wife and had no intention of hurting her.  At work, however, a new girl was just hired.  Being a gentleman, I introduced myself to make her feel welcomed.  Before long, I felt “beckoned” to visit her desk for short chats.  I found myself adjusting my breaks to coincide with her breaks to chat some more.  I was making a new friend, or so I thought. 

I had zero intent on initializing anything more than a friendship, and thought it was our common cultural heritage that caused the beckoning.  The seminar opened my eyes and I could see where this relationship was truly headed.  One thing does not lead to another.  You lead one thing to the next thing. 

I prayed for God’s help, told my wife, and began to purposely adjust my breaks to not coincide with my coworker.  Within a month or so, she left the company.  Interesting… 

Today, 20 years later, I still purposely go out of my way to say hi or give a kind word to a stranger, and there is still the rare occasion of meeting someone and feeling that “beckoning”.  Once identified, evasive actions are taken to protect my marriage.  Saving my marriage before it needs saving. 

Whether others picked up this lesson that weekend, we may never know.  For me, however, I take this lesson, throw in a couple dozen more “nuggets of wisdom” from other marriage conferences, and thank God for protecting my marriage from major drama. 

CHALLENGE FOR HUSBANDS:

Our wives usually want to go to these weekend getaways, but we don’t.  Take the time, honor your wife, and keep your ears open.  Do that and God will go out of His way to give you “nuggets of wisdom”.  Go ahead, put it on your calendar!

Boundaries by Rene and Maria Aguirre

Two people becoming one under a covenant of marriage is much easier said than done.

A lifetime of love and commitment to one person is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us. Although love is at the heart of marriage, it’s not enough. The marriage needs other ingredients to make it grow and thrive.  These ingredients are freedom, responsibility and ownership.  When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.  If people are not free, they live in fear and love dies.    

My wife and I have discovered that in our marriage there are boundaries (property lines) that may be visible and there are some that are not. We had to learn self control instead of trying to control the other person. We had to learn how to communicate effectively, fight fairly and that we were not each other’s enemy.

From the time we were married, it was a one way street for us. She was happily giving, and I was happily taking. She would many times not speak to me about things that she knew would upset me and that would cause her to feel resentment and bitterness towards me. I would ignore her feelings every single time. I figured if I ignored it, I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Over time this put a deep wedge between us and we would not enjoy the beautiful gift the Lord had given us. Instead we would simply co-exist. We found out 12 years later that this was not healthy for our marriage.

We’ve learned a few things and put them into practice since we attended our first marriage class. We learned that it’s extremely important to pray for each other and with each other. We need to set boundaries first with our spouse, then with our children and finally with family members in order for a marriage to survive.  We now exercise our freedom to speak what is on our mind but also have discernment on when to bring up issues. We focus on the specific topic at hand and look to a unified solution but, there are times when we agree to disagree – and that is ok.  And when we need someone to guide us, we need to have discernment on whom to share our personal issues with in order to avoid receiving bad advice.

Our status now is - we are a happier couple who maintain a sense of individuality, freedom and personal integrity.  We are setting a good example for our children and society in general. We are a reflection of God’s love in a marriage and are enjoying each other the way He intended us to. Now we know that a union is not 50/50 but each one giving 100% every time.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “It’s too late for me” or   “He/she will never change.”  Those are lies of the enemy and you should not receive them! Remember Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) but God’s mighty word says “What I have joined together let no man separate” (Mark 10:9).  You may also think as we once did, “our marriage is good, we are happy and hardly ever fight.” Our marriage has gone from good to unbelievable! And it’s all Glory to God!

Do you want to know how you can get started? Pray. First, talk to God - simply pour out your heart to Him.  Then talk to your spouse and suggest attending church together.  Also, find a group or class that supports and encourages a Godly marriage. It’s our belief that every couple should have a mentor/counselor. There is no shame in that. We all run into trouble every now and then and need the help of another Godly couple.

Team Aguirre ~

Marriage God's Way by Kevin and Denita Leonard

My husband and I met in high school at the end of our 12th grade year. Prom was soon approaching and neither of us had dates. He asked me to prom, I said yes and that was the very beginning of our life long journey together.

As we continued to date we would often discuss marriage. I was raised in a Christian home and we were taught to date ‘God’s Way’ and then marry. We were 20 and 21 when we made the decision to marry soon. A lot of people were against our decision. They simply felt that we were too young to make such a huge, life altering decision. They felt that we couldn’t possibly be wise enough or

knowledgeable enough to enter into such a serious covenant.  Our parents, however, were among the few who were supportive. My mother and father were pastors of the church I was raised in and they both spoke with us concerning the decision. Soon after, we finalized our decision and set our date.

On February 4, 2005, at the ages of 20 and 21, we said our ‘I DO’s’. It was one of the the best days of our life.

Today, we’ve been married 7 years. Soon to be eight and we still say it was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. We don’t hold this sentiment in the midst of a trial-less Marriage but in the midst of an ever-thriving marriage.

My husband and I were aware of, just about, all that was expected from each of us in marriage. I knew Ephesian 5:22-25 all to well ...or so I thought. If I’ve learned anything these past seven years It’s been the true meaning and IMPORTANCE of a wives submission to her husband. When I was not in God's will in this area, our marriage would suffer tremendously. My husband was all to aware of the fact that he was to become the ‘Priest’ of our home and that he would be responsible for leading his family in worship and for establishing and implementing God's law in the home. It seemed all too easy from a distance; but when facing these challenges head on, my husband and I struggled,  As a result, our marriage suffered. We were aware of the snares the enemy would toss our way.

 

We were advised to pray together always, to forgive each other, not to harbor hate or bitterness, to keep communication lines open, to be honest and they were all things we planned to do. However, even these, assumed-to-be-simple, tasks became all so real. We both can testify to harboring unforgiveness towards one another. We both can testify to shutting down and closing lines of communication with each other. We both can testify to not fulfilling our roles, in our marriage, as God wanted ...and we suffered.

 

BUT, one day God dealt with us both seperately. He expressed the amazing plan he had for us and how we were allowing satan to steal all that he’d blessed our marriage to be. He showed us how, in one year (2012) the devil tried to drive us to end our marriage. And we both came together and cried out to God as husband and wife TOGETHER. And God moved on our behalf. We’ve been restored. This year was our Mountain and we made it over. SO CAN YOU!

We encourage any married couple who may be going through a difficult time or in an uncomfortable place............. PRAY! Don’t leave any room to satan. All he needs is an inch! Instead come together and pray. Love each other like God loves. Become selfless & put your spouse above yourself.

 

Marriage is a blessing and will be so meaningful and fulfilling when practiced God's way. God is a RESTORER. No matter where you find yourself in Marriage, God is MORE than able to Restore.

Make a decision to Love; not just in passion, but purposefully in action.  Exemplify the Love of God through your marriage.  And receive the harvest.

Kevin & Denita Leonard 

Who Told YOU it was 50/50? By Susan Holman

Thirty-five years ago, I was not in the church. I was raised in a cult that I didn’t agree with, and married a man in a similar spiritual condition. Our relationship was based on the 50/50 principle. We entered into it with an ‘if-then’ attitude. You know, If you do this, then I will do that. That’s what we thought marriage was supposed to be. No one was happy. We were going through the motions but neither of us was willing to commit ALL to each other. We later divorced. 

 

It was after all of this that I found a true relationship with God.

 
I connected with a minister friend and he taught me about Jesus. He told me how He went all the way to the cross for me, and if that wasn’t enough, He then went to hell to leave my sins there, and on to heaven to prepare a home for me. Now that is 100% and He did that for me! 

A year later, I married that minister friend and have learned over the years that I, too, must give my all...to Christ and to the covenants I have made with Him. This time I knew my marriage had to be 100/100. We would both have to give our ALL. And when my husband didn’t FEEL like it, I still had to give my all. And vice-versa. 

You see, marriage is all about Jesus. Marriage is a covenant with God. It is not a contract.  It is not just a partnership with my spouse, it is a blood covenant with GOD!

HE expects me to fulfill it even to death! If I live for Christ, then I must keep this covenant! [Now I’m not telling anyone to stay in an abusive situation. There are times when you have to leave, but make sure you are considering your relationship with God. He doesn’t change His mind, even though we change ours!]

Covenant-keeping is never about our spouse. It is always about us! God never told the children of Israel to do anything IF the other party was doing right. They were simply told to do right! And then He spelled out what was right. It’s the same with marriage. YOU chose your mate. YOU made a covenant with GOD concerning YOUR role in that relationship! Not your spouse’s role.

God expects us to love unconditionally, WE must keep every vow we have made...Whether our spouse does or not. It’s not about ‘them’. It is about us. (We can’t change anyone but ourselves!)

50/50 is just a notion that man made up to excuse himself from doing what is right. No one will get to heaven with a half-way attitude. Let’s go ALL the way….and if both of you give 100%-100% of the time...your marriage will be blessed beyond imagination. Don’t just try to do right in some things. Do it in all things and live!

Have you ever seen a cat on a tree hanging on for dear life?  As you try to pry it off, he cleaves to that tree; fighting to hold on like his life depends on it. Cleave to your spouse, holding on for dear life. Forsake all others-No one is to come between you and your spouse, not your friends, or family.

 

If you are not yet in the Body of believers...You need God to help you every step of the way. Find Him now!!! HE will help YOU even if your spouse never seeks God for themselves!

 
Jesus came that we might have life...and that more abundantly, even in our marriages! God bless you always.

Your Sister in Christ,

Susan Holman

 

 

 

A Husband's Prayer by Oscar Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you the most amazing gift given to me in this life, my precious wife.  May I always lover her, cherish her, and nourish her. 

Forgive me for those times I have neglected her and taken her for granted.

Lord fill my mouth with praise for her instead of complaints and criticisms.  Help me to talk to her when I don't feel like and share my most intimate feelings with her.  Help me to lover her like you loved the church, by dying to my own selfish needs and desires.  And remind me to always keep her in first position right behind you.

May I never abuse my authority as her head.  Teach me how to lovingly lead her back to you and never to myself.  May I always pastor her, protect her, and provide for her according to your will. 

Lord, this is my wife.  You have created her for me.  Let my love cover her sins and heal her brokenness.  May I encourage her in her own gifts and talents, and never be threatened by her abilities. 

As we are on this journey together, may I never leaver her feeling alone, but always comforted by my love.  And as we look back, may we never regret the journey, but enjoy it untile we get home.

In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

A Wife's Prayer by Crystal Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you, my love, my friend, and leader.  Forgive me Lord for speaking harshly to him.  Forgive me for not allowing him to be the man you've called him to be.  Forgive me for interfereing with his walk and his ministry.  Deliver me O Lord from unforgiveness and rashness of words.  Help me to be submissive to him, to be quick to hear and slow to speak.  Cleanse me from my own flesh, O Lord, that wants to hold grudges and recall the past.

Lord fill my mouth with pleasant words that will encourage him and lift him up.  Let my tongue be filled with the law of kindness.  And let me do him good and not evil all the days of my life.

Lord this is my husband.  Let there be no time in his life that I tear him down.  Help me, O Lord to build him up and to walk in holy submission toward him.  Teach me how to trust him, how to make him shine, and to love him. 

Lord, this is my husband that you've created for me.  May I never disrespect him; but honor him.  May I never damage his spirit, but encourage him.  May I never expect him to meet all of my needs,  but may they be met in you.  Let my love give him confidence, so that he does safely trust in me.  When our journey together is complete, Dear Lord, may he arise up, call me blessed and praise me in the gates.

In Jesus' name, I pray.  Amen

Love Thinks

She was crying as she lashed out at him.  He returned the vicious verbal attack to her.  We noticed they both were wearing wedding bands.  We sat there wondering, “How did this marriage disintegrate to this place?” 

On their wedding day, things were a lot different, certainly.  Neither of them would’ve ever imagined that they would be here.

So where does the breakdown of a marriage begin?  We believe it begins in the thoughts.  It has been said that our thoughts become our actions.  So before we can assault or scream or inject sarcasm, we have to think about it first. 

The enemy presents a thought to our minds through some offense, misunderstanding or even sometimes just randomly, without motive.  We make a decision to accept or reject that thought.  If we accept it, we meditate on it and then we gather other thoughts similar in nature to support the first one.  Then we stew in it.  After a short time, we are heated and ready to attack.  Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.  It all begins with a thought.

The Bible says whatsoever things are lovely, true, honest, of a good report, think on these things.  We often ignore that scripture and find ourselves filled with rage.  Just as negative thoughts can destroy a marriage, positive thoughts can build a marriage.  Just suppose you begin to think about all the wonderful reasons why you married your spouse, what do you think would come next?  A harsh word?  Hardly. 

Suppose your spouse didn’t pay the bill you asked him/her to pay.  Now you owe a late fee on top of the bill.  Your finances are already stretched.  There is a knock at the door of your heart.  Here come those negative thoughts: He/she is just irresponsible. He/she doesn’t love me.  He/she always does stuff like this.  I am the only one who cares about this relationship. You need to stop.  Because this line of reasoning will not end on a good note.  The thoughts will only get worse.  They will even dig up the past and bring old negative actions with them for reinforcement.  You are being set up for a fall.  But what if instead, you thought: he/she didn’t forget on purpose.  It was a mistake.  He/she loves our family.  He/she wants the best for us.  He/she does other things to build our family life.  And you allowed those thoughts to dig up some past positive actions, that same scenario would end completely different.  You would begin to smile and attract other kind thoughts.

Once, I overheard a woman talking about how she cursed her husband out in her mind. That is not productive to the relationship. We have to mature to the place where we make sure that the meditations of our hearts are acceptable in the sight of God. 

We must think on purpose.  It is far healthier.   Do not let thoughts run all willy nilly in your mind. Arrest them.  The scriptures tells us to take them captive. 

If couples learned to shut down those negative thoughts when they show up, marriages would be far healthier and happier. 

So what are you thinking?

Overcoming Loneliness in Marriage

We have seen married couples go on with life without each other. One spouse frequently goes on vacation without the other. They have separate social lives and some even worship at separate churches. What causes this? Why do we settle for lonely marriages, when God said that it is not good that man should be alone?

We think one of the major reasons couples settle for loneliness is that they get tired. They don't want to fight for the intimacy that is required to maintain oneness. So, they say. “At least we are not divorced”.  But should we settle for the least at the expense of God’s best for our relationships? It's not enough to keep you from divorce.

Understand there is a great difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. When you are feeling alone – it means you have no company. This could be physically true, there is nobody else present around you and this could be figuratively true, when no one else shares your views in a group of people.  When you feel lonely – this usually has very little to do with how many people are around you. This is an inner feeling of disconnection and it is usually the result of emotional trauma. It is the unresolved issues in the marriage that cause this disconnection.

When there's a lack of effective communication in a marriage, loneliness begins to slowly set in. The unfortunate side effect of loneliness is spouses tend to resent each other, to even turn away from their partner, and to rely on others for friendship and support. This can be quite dangerous to the relationship.

Marriage takes work.  A healthy prosperous relationship will not come without cost.  You must put in the effort.  And there will be times when you will not want to; or you will feel like what’s the use?  Nevertheless you did sign up for this - marriage and the work it involves.

So, let’s look at what  we can do to avoid loneliness or remove it from our marriage:

1.      Primarily, let’s not neglect the role of prayer in our lives.  Let’s pray for ourselves and each other.  Couples should set a time to come together for prayer.  Prayer connects us to God and our spouses and keeps our hearts soft.

2.      Secondly, identify specific examples of how and why you feel lonely. For example, your spouse might be absent too frequently. You may feel your spouse ignores you, or you feel communication is poor when you are together. Separate interests may be keeping you apart.

3.      Once the issues are identified, it’s time for a husband-wife meeting.  This is the time to hammer out the issues. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling and take time to really listen to each other's feelings about any distance in the relationship. Effective communication is key in overcoming loneliness in any marriage.Good communication skills are important to making marriage work, and will help deter loneliness.  Make sure you bring resolution to whatever issues arise.

4.      Finally, incorporate date night to reconnect with your spouse.  Spend this time having fun and learning each other all over again. Do this no less than once a week. Share experiences. Go for a walk together, or join in for a favorite show or game of cards. Make your partner your primary focus of attention. Turn off all the cell phones and other distractions.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse are the only ones who can change your situation. So if you want your marriage to change – by all means, change it!