Who's The Guest? by Anita Daniels

     When we begin to make our guest list for our wedding, the most important and first person should be God. And more importantly He should always be present in our marriage. 

On our wedding day, we stand before God, the pastor, family and friends.  We say we will love, honor and cherish from that day forward. Then the marriage begins, and all the sugar plum thoughts in our head dissipate.
Marriage is really a good thing but its work and you have to show up every day. It's not to be taken lightly.  Every situation can't be a 911; and if it is, then God should receive the call. We give the most intimate details of our marriage to everyone but the two most important people, our spouse and God. While at the altar, we declare the three-fold-cord can't be easily broken... until the first disagreement
surfaces. Then the selfish side comes out, 'my way or no way'.

Now over the years, I have learned that thinking like that will not get you going anywhere fast. I have
made up my mind before even opening my mouth that I should go back to the first person on my guest list, God. Through many days of crying out to the Lord I have seen the change in my marriage, it has not always worked out the way the way I thought it should. But I kept trusting and believing that He was working it out for the good of our marriage. In times when I didn't understand, I yet stood still; even in the middle of adversity.  I was able to see that God was already ahead me. His thoughts were now becoming my reality. Every good and perfect thing comes from Him.

No way am I saying that I have a perfect marriage, but we have developed ourselves according to what God says in His word about marriage. My husband is the head and I follow his lead, whether I agree or not.  When I was single and very much independent,  I desired to have a mate. How could I ask God for a man that he called to be my husband, but I wasn't willing to hear him. That's so disrespectful. I had to learn to respect my husband; come into agreement, live in unity and be on one accord. I learned it's not about me. 

We go to jobs, churches, social gatherings, and through our day to day routines and submit to
the protocol.  We even give strangers a piece of ourselves, then return home to shut down
to our spouse. This is not God's way.

Love is a action word.  The way we pursue other people, things, and places, we should pursue our spouses with that same passion. So the next time a disagreement  arises, keep in mind that your friends will always tell you what you want to hear (unless you have wise counsel deeply rooted in the word of God). So have a little talk with Jesus - your best guest.

Remember the vows - you stated to love, honor, cherish and to passionately pursue your spouse everyday.  Your spouse deserves the best of you, and as you give it to them, you will get the best of him or her. Even if you not quite "there" in your marriage, seek God, pray, and just have a little faith - because you will see the victory in your marriage!

Hard Conversations by Pam Houston

  In our relationships we have to make sure we hold hard conversations when making a decision about a vital matter that ultimately affects both parties.  Much of the time we tend to agree on a matter without fully talking it through in anticipation and preparation of what COULD happen in the future.   We do not talk about the pros and the cons.  One person throws the matter out there and the other unknowingly, with good intentions quickly agrees without thoroughly examining the matter. 

Fast-forward 3 months from now, and that agreement which was made ever so quickly, without being talked thru on both parts is causing problems.  Situations are arising.  Frustrations are setting in. Pressure is mounting.  Bitterness starts to take its toll and all havoc breaks loose.  The original agreement is diluted and we find ourselves in an aftermath of chaos; and one finds himself or herself  talking about “Ummm, I did not sign up for this!!!!!!”  This is all due to the “hard conversation” that never took place. 

It is better to schedule those challenging matters for our husband-wife meetings.  It is allows the necessary space and time to have the “hard conversations”  One example is if a husband gets laid off from his job and his wife decides she is going back to school to further her education so that it can make an impact on their future.  Sounds good, right?  Sacrifice now and it will pay off later?  They quickly agree to the idea without thoroughly having the “hard conversation”.  One day, he/she gets home and there is slamming of doors, attitudes flying, one is attacking the other verbally.  Things that should not be said are being said.  One is ready to throw in the towel…”I am too stressed; you have to get a job. I can not do this anymore.  This just is not fair and I need help with all these bills!!! (Even though they previously made an agreement.)  

The “hard conversations” are really talking things through in detail.  The pros and the cons, and every minute detail should be included so that each is very clear on what can happen. The couple is prepared in the event that one may “lose ground”, feeling overwhelmed and having a rough day.  Because we have already discussed this, we are ready to support one another in any situation; and we talked about some of the things that could arise in advance.  Basically, we are pre -acting by having that “Hard Conversation”.  Now! This is something we expected.  We can do this!!

 

In turn, this prevents the enemy from gaining ground in this relationship and the negative situations that may show up from time to time.  “Hard  Conversations” cover the bases and now we have protected ourselves against the fiery darts of the enemy and the attacks that take place.  The spirit of division has less of a chance of slipping in because we sat down in our husband-wife meetings and had those hard conversations.  It can be used to diffuse the enemy’s tactics at the gate. 

Couples will often find that we face challenges together but if we use these types of communication skills, these “hard conversations” and make them a priority when making decisions as a couple.  We should all dig deeper and go beyond the surface.  We just may prevent one very un-welcomed situation!!!! 

Do You Have A DEAD SEA Marriage? By Carleton & Angela Booker

           Why do so many marriages fall apart?  Couples who once seemed so into one another – have lost the love they once held.  Spouses begin to question, “Who are you?”

            What exactly causes the death of a marriage?  My wife and I have ministered to a lot of married couples and shared our story; which has not always been easy. Our marriage has been no fairytale; but we have learned many lessons over the years that have shaped our marriage into to what it is today. We have gone through the good, the bad, and the ugly in 36 years of marriage; and at one point we, too, asked the question: “Who are you?”

One evening I was watching a television show on Alaska.  They were talking about how extreme the weather conditions can be and sometimes it gets well below zero degrees. When this happens everything is frozen except the water in the homes.  As I was watching the show, I wondered why the water in the home was the only thing that didn’t freeze. The Lord quickened my Spirit and delivered the answer to that question “Who are you?”

            For a moment, let’s put on our spiritual eye glasses and look at Newton's Law of Motion. Newton’s Law of Motion states if no external force is applied to an object and the object is at rest, it will remain at rest. It also states if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Now let me connect the dots for you! In order to get water into the homes during extreme weather conditions in Alaska, the water must be continuously moving. If at any point that water is not moving, it will freeze in the pipes and no water will flow into the homes.

This is exactly what the devil wants to happen in your marriage. He wants us to stop moving spiritually and physically, avoid getting in the Word, and stop praying, stop dating, stop loving.  The enemy wants to keep the Spirit of God frozen in your life. Whenever we have encountered this issue while counseling couples, they have no clue how this happened within their relationship.  Newton’s Law of Motion says if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Many couples find themselves stuck and not moving forward with many aspects of their life. They stop moving forward with each other, in love, and intimacy! Whether you have been married one year or thirty years, one day you may wake up and ask the question “Who are you?”  This only happens when we stop growing in our union with Christ and with one another.

            Have you ever been near a lake or a river that is not moving? You will notice it becomes green with algae and will even begin to stink! This happens when there is lack of proper circulation, filtration and sanitation, which is the primary cause of the algae. Many couples find themselves in a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE” filled with stinking algae.  How do you avoid a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE”? Your marriage needs constant flow and movement in order to have growth. Pray for your spouse, study God’s word together, talk to her, spend time with her.  Keep it moving!

Before I close I want to leave you with this word: Exodus 14:15 "And the Lord said unto Moses, wherefore cries thou unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward".
In this passage, God had already given Israel deliverance from the Egyptians as they are headed toward the Promised land. They came to the Red Sea and the enemy was not far behind them. They were stuck. The only direction for them to move was FORWARD. However there was no apparent way to go forward. There were no boats, bridges and no possible way to swim across. Moses cried unto the Lord and God said, “Tell the people to get moving!"  When they did, God did something he had never done before; and Israel walked on dry land.

A miracle happened when they began to MOVE FORWARD!

If you find your marriage extremely frozen with no movement or asking yourself that dreadful question: “Who are you?” I encourage you to move forward with the velocity in your marriage and apply external force together. Move forward together and don’t let your marriage be at rest or it will remain at rest.

 

Learn To Make Love By Torrona Tillman

As I searched for a definition and understanding of “relationship”, I discovered something much more comprehensive on my journey.  That one word has been ringing in my ear for over a year now.  At first, I simply thought it was concerning a fellowship that I began with a beautiful group of women, but have come to understand that it runs deeper than that.  Relationship can be defined as the way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.  That is truly a mouthful.  Looking at marriage and friendships in society in general, that definition can really make or break us.  Think about it - 'How I regard and behave towards my spouse'.   What a powerful life inducing thought!

When we really get committed to our marriage, we become protective of its very existence.  We defend it till death do us part… against all onslaughts and attacks.  What attacks could I possibly be speaking of concerning such a wonderful intimate union ordained by God Himself?  We must place up defense shields against hurt, offense, bitterness, un-forgiveness, anger, lust, jealousy from without, gossip with others about our marriage, unresolved issues, distrust because of past hurts, and the list continues. 

Understand that having a life-inducing relationship is not a given in a marriage, just because vows were exchanged on a sunny June day.  It is a terrible and sometimes life threatening assumption to believe 'relationship' in its life sustaining form is a given in every marriage.  We often believe that we are marriage material and marriage-ready just because we meet someone and 'fall in love'.  This is hardly true. 

When we marry, we really are just adrenaline and endorphin driven individuals operating 'under the influence'.  In that state of heart and mind, everything is peachy king and all is right with the world.  That is the place we usually roam around, prior to the vow exchange.  But as soon as the honeymoon ends, we start drinking black coffee (reality check).  We get snapped out of our high, and start asking questions like 'How did I get here? What am  I doing? Why did I marry you? Why didn't I see this? etc, etc.  Sound familiar?

Let us understand this one thing, that this IS NOT the time to end it all or run away.  It is actually the time for true relationship to begin.  It now becomes the life long journey to fall in love.  We must learn how to 'Make Love'. I am not referring to sexual love. I am referring to the love of the heart and soul.  Marriage is a lifetime covenant relationship that God instituted to glorify himself, enhance mankind, replenish His earth, perfect you in His image and 'bless you out of your socks!’  I know many people question whether their marriage was put together by God, so they feel they have a right to rip it apart and walk away and began again.  Let’s all agree to this one thing: marriage was God's idea and design, not man or woman's, but Father God.    Marriage is meant to be protected, defended, nourished, honored and cherished.   Anything less is murder by suicide.  Let us reject the enemy of our souls and societies whims and fads, and let us hold dear what Father holds dear.  Let us defend what Father God gave to us as a gift of life and love.  Let us not falter and fail, for fear of pain and disappointment, pride and prejudice.  Let us stand with open arms of grace, mercy, truth and unconditional love and respect.  Let Us Learn To 'Make Love'.

Valuing Marriage by Warren and Stacey Flowers

From the first day you're born, you enter into a relationship with someone. This multiplied by family, friends, acquaintances, peers, co-workers and of course boyfriends or girlfriends. These relationships are important because they shape, mold and build character. However none will impact your life more than marriage.

A marriage is what you make it. We have the power to build or break it. To value marriage one must first value God. It's important that we value our relationship with the Lord. In turn this overflows into our marriage. Marriage is not a man and a woman co-existing together with separate duties. It is actually a man and woman coming together in a union under and in God. Now I, Mr. Flowers have always been fascinated by words and playing on them. When I was young I saw the word "together" and thought "to-get-her". Thankfully I got older and thought "to-gather". I see the same word now and I think "two-gather". For me, this takes the phrase "two is better than one" and gives it clarity. 

We are not just partners or a couple. We have the same vision, mission, goals and desires. We are therefore a team. Unfortunately, we have not always performed as a team. There was a time when we both co-habitated and took on roles. I, Mrs. Flowers, was unemployed and I stayed home ensuring a warm, clean home. He went to work day after day, ensuring security and paying bills. But my husband would come home and watch Sports Center. I would go into another room and play the PS3. There was no relationship; nor communication between us. This is very unhealthy for a marriage.

To have a successful marriage you must invest time, communication and love. God must be first. He is the source and that relationship is most important. We learned to first invest in our relationship with God and value it with all of our hearts. Once we started doing that, it poured over into our value of one another. God is to be first, he makes all the difference. Marriage was and still is a gift from the Lord, to be accepted, respected, and never neglected. We encourage singles to look forward to it and married couples to continue enjoying and appreciating it. If you asked us "What's the value of marriage?" We'll answer, "Priceless."

Team Flowers

NOT AGAIN! A Husband’s View on Marriage Retreats by Shannon Parr

“Is it that time of the year already?  Our church’s annual marriage retreat was just announced and I haven’t filled my calendar with something I can use as an excuse not to go!”
 
Why this attitude is so prevalent is a mystery to me.  My wife and I were fortunate enough, in the beginning of our marriage, to see the value of marriage conferences.  These often awkward and uncomfortable weekends birthed wisdom and protection in our young marriage.  It also saved my marriage before it needed saving. 

Here’s one such lesson and how it played out: 

First of all, God has an awesome sense of humor.  We are Americans that traveled to Canada, to hear a white couple from South Africa.  The lesson that weekend for me, “Soul Ties”. 

They shared about the connection that can happen between two people of the opposite sex that is similar to a kindred spirit.  On the surface it seems simply friendly, but there is something “beckoning” you to spend time with this person with the honest intent of just being friends.  It is this beckoning that should concern you. 

Here’s what the speakers didn’t know about me.  I love my wife and had no intention of hurting her.  At work, however, a new girl was just hired.  Being a gentleman, I introduced myself to make her feel welcomed.  Before long, I felt “beckoned” to visit her desk for short chats.  I found myself adjusting my breaks to coincide with her breaks to chat some more.  I was making a new friend, or so I thought. 

I had zero intent on initializing anything more than a friendship, and thought it was our common cultural heritage that caused the beckoning.  The seminar opened my eyes and I could see where this relationship was truly headed.  One thing does not lead to another.  You lead one thing to the next thing. 

I prayed for God’s help, told my wife, and began to purposely adjust my breaks to not coincide with my coworker.  Within a month or so, she left the company.  Interesting… 

Today, 20 years later, I still purposely go out of my way to say hi or give a kind word to a stranger, and there is still the rare occasion of meeting someone and feeling that “beckoning”.  Once identified, evasive actions are taken to protect my marriage.  Saving my marriage before it needs saving. 

Whether others picked up this lesson that weekend, we may never know.  For me, however, I take this lesson, throw in a couple dozen more “nuggets of wisdom” from other marriage conferences, and thank God for protecting my marriage from major drama. 

CHALLENGE FOR HUSBANDS:

Our wives usually want to go to these weekend getaways, but we don’t.  Take the time, honor your wife, and keep your ears open.  Do that and God will go out of His way to give you “nuggets of wisdom”.  Go ahead, put it on your calendar!

Boundaries by Rene and Maria Aguirre

Two people becoming one under a covenant of marriage is much easier said than done.

A lifetime of love and commitment to one person is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us. Although love is at the heart of marriage, it’s not enough. The marriage needs other ingredients to make it grow and thrive.  These ingredients are freedom, responsibility and ownership.  When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love.  If people are not free, they live in fear and love dies.    

My wife and I have discovered that in our marriage there are boundaries (property lines) that may be visible and there are some that are not. We had to learn self control instead of trying to control the other person. We had to learn how to communicate effectively, fight fairly and that we were not each other’s enemy.

From the time we were married, it was a one way street for us. She was happily giving, and I was happily taking. She would many times not speak to me about things that she knew would upset me and that would cause her to feel resentment and bitterness towards me. I would ignore her feelings every single time. I figured if I ignored it, I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Over time this put a deep wedge between us and we would not enjoy the beautiful gift the Lord had given us. Instead we would simply co-exist. We found out 12 years later that this was not healthy for our marriage.

We’ve learned a few things and put them into practice since we attended our first marriage class. We learned that it’s extremely important to pray for each other and with each other. We need to set boundaries first with our spouse, then with our children and finally with family members in order for a marriage to survive.  We now exercise our freedom to speak what is on our mind but also have discernment on when to bring up issues. We focus on the specific topic at hand and look to a unified solution but, there are times when we agree to disagree – and that is ok.  And when we need someone to guide us, we need to have discernment on whom to share our personal issues with in order to avoid receiving bad advice.

Our status now is - we are a happier couple who maintain a sense of individuality, freedom and personal integrity.  We are setting a good example for our children and society in general. We are a reflection of God’s love in a marriage and are enjoying each other the way He intended us to. Now we know that a union is not 50/50 but each one giving 100% every time.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “It’s too late for me” or   “He/she will never change.”  Those are lies of the enemy and you should not receive them! Remember Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) but God’s mighty word says “What I have joined together let no man separate” (Mark 10:9).  You may also think as we once did, “our marriage is good, we are happy and hardly ever fight.” Our marriage has gone from good to unbelievable! And it’s all Glory to God!

Do you want to know how you can get started? Pray. First, talk to God - simply pour out your heart to Him.  Then talk to your spouse and suggest attending church together.  Also, find a group or class that supports and encourages a Godly marriage. It’s our belief that every couple should have a mentor/counselor. There is no shame in that. We all run into trouble every now and then and need the help of another Godly couple.

Team Aguirre ~

Marriage God's Way by Kevin and Denita Leonard

My husband and I met in high school at the end of our 12th grade year. Prom was soon approaching and neither of us had dates. He asked me to prom, I said yes and that was the very beginning of our life long journey together.

As we continued to date we would often discuss marriage. I was raised in a Christian home and we were taught to date ‘God’s Way’ and then marry. We were 20 and 21 when we made the decision to marry soon. A lot of people were against our decision. They simply felt that we were too young to make such a huge, life altering decision. They felt that we couldn’t possibly be wise enough or

knowledgeable enough to enter into such a serious covenant.  Our parents, however, were among the few who were supportive. My mother and father were pastors of the church I was raised in and they both spoke with us concerning the decision. Soon after, we finalized our decision and set our date.

On February 4, 2005, at the ages of 20 and 21, we said our ‘I DO’s’. It was one of the the best days of our life.

Today, we’ve been married 7 years. Soon to be eight and we still say it was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. We don’t hold this sentiment in the midst of a trial-less Marriage but in the midst of an ever-thriving marriage.

My husband and I were aware of, just about, all that was expected from each of us in marriage. I knew Ephesian 5:22-25 all to well ...or so I thought. If I’ve learned anything these past seven years It’s been the true meaning and IMPORTANCE of a wives submission to her husband. When I was not in God's will in this area, our marriage would suffer tremendously. My husband was all to aware of the fact that he was to become the ‘Priest’ of our home and that he would be responsible for leading his family in worship and for establishing and implementing God's law in the home. It seemed all too easy from a distance; but when facing these challenges head on, my husband and I struggled,  As a result, our marriage suffered. We were aware of the snares the enemy would toss our way.

 

We were advised to pray together always, to forgive each other, not to harbor hate or bitterness, to keep communication lines open, to be honest and they were all things we planned to do. However, even these, assumed-to-be-simple, tasks became all so real. We both can testify to harboring unforgiveness towards one another. We both can testify to shutting down and closing lines of communication with each other. We both can testify to not fulfilling our roles, in our marriage, as God wanted ...and we suffered.

 

BUT, one day God dealt with us both seperately. He expressed the amazing plan he had for us and how we were allowing satan to steal all that he’d blessed our marriage to be. He showed us how, in one year (2012) the devil tried to drive us to end our marriage. And we both came together and cried out to God as husband and wife TOGETHER. And God moved on our behalf. We’ve been restored. This year was our Mountain and we made it over. SO CAN YOU!

We encourage any married couple who may be going through a difficult time or in an uncomfortable place............. PRAY! Don’t leave any room to satan. All he needs is an inch! Instead come together and pray. Love each other like God loves. Become selfless & put your spouse above yourself.

 

Marriage is a blessing and will be so meaningful and fulfilling when practiced God's way. God is a RESTORER. No matter where you find yourself in Marriage, God is MORE than able to Restore.

Make a decision to Love; not just in passion, but purposefully in action.  Exemplify the Love of God through your marriage.  And receive the harvest.

Kevin & Denita Leonard 

Who Told YOU it was 50/50? By Susan Holman

Thirty-five years ago, I was not in the church. I was raised in a cult that I didn’t agree with, and married a man in a similar spiritual condition. Our relationship was based on the 50/50 principle. We entered into it with an ‘if-then’ attitude. You know, If you do this, then I will do that. That’s what we thought marriage was supposed to be. No one was happy. We were going through the motions but neither of us was willing to commit ALL to each other. We later divorced. 

 

It was after all of this that I found a true relationship with God.

 
I connected with a minister friend and he taught me about Jesus. He told me how He went all the way to the cross for me, and if that wasn’t enough, He then went to hell to leave my sins there, and on to heaven to prepare a home for me. Now that is 100% and He did that for me! 

A year later, I married that minister friend and have learned over the years that I, too, must give my all...to Christ and to the covenants I have made with Him. This time I knew my marriage had to be 100/100. We would both have to give our ALL. And when my husband didn’t FEEL like it, I still had to give my all. And vice-versa. 

You see, marriage is all about Jesus. Marriage is a covenant with God. It is not a contract.  It is not just a partnership with my spouse, it is a blood covenant with GOD!

HE expects me to fulfill it even to death! If I live for Christ, then I must keep this covenant! [Now I’m not telling anyone to stay in an abusive situation. There are times when you have to leave, but make sure you are considering your relationship with God. He doesn’t change His mind, even though we change ours!]

Covenant-keeping is never about our spouse. It is always about us! God never told the children of Israel to do anything IF the other party was doing right. They were simply told to do right! And then He spelled out what was right. It’s the same with marriage. YOU chose your mate. YOU made a covenant with GOD concerning YOUR role in that relationship! Not your spouse’s role.

God expects us to love unconditionally, WE must keep every vow we have made...Whether our spouse does or not. It’s not about ‘them’. It is about us. (We can’t change anyone but ourselves!)

50/50 is just a notion that man made up to excuse himself from doing what is right. No one will get to heaven with a half-way attitude. Let’s go ALL the way….and if both of you give 100%-100% of the time...your marriage will be blessed beyond imagination. Don’t just try to do right in some things. Do it in all things and live!

Have you ever seen a cat on a tree hanging on for dear life?  As you try to pry it off, he cleaves to that tree; fighting to hold on like his life depends on it. Cleave to your spouse, holding on for dear life. Forsake all others-No one is to come between you and your spouse, not your friends, or family.

 

If you are not yet in the Body of believers...You need God to help you every step of the way. Find Him now!!! HE will help YOU even if your spouse never seeks God for themselves!

 
Jesus came that we might have life...and that more abundantly, even in our marriages! God bless you always.

Your Sister in Christ,

Susan Holman

 

 

 

A Husband's Prayer by Oscar Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you the most amazing gift given to me in this life, my precious wife.  May I always lover her, cherish her, and nourish her. 

Forgive me for those times I have neglected her and taken her for granted.

Lord fill my mouth with praise for her instead of complaints and criticisms.  Help me to talk to her when I don't feel like and share my most intimate feelings with her.  Help me to lover her like you loved the church, by dying to my own selfish needs and desires.  And remind me to always keep her in first position right behind you.

May I never abuse my authority as her head.  Teach me how to lovingly lead her back to you and never to myself.  May I always pastor her, protect her, and provide for her according to your will. 

Lord, this is my wife.  You have created her for me.  Let my love cover her sins and heal her brokenness.  May I encourage her in her own gifts and talents, and never be threatened by her abilities. 

As we are on this journey together, may I never leaver her feeling alone, but always comforted by my love.  And as we look back, may we never regret the journey, but enjoy it untile we get home.

In Jesus' name I pray.  Amen.

A Wife's Prayer by Crystal Jones

O Lord, I lift up to you, my love, my friend, and leader.  Forgive me Lord for speaking harshly to him.  Forgive me for not allowing him to be the man you've called him to be.  Forgive me for interfereing with his walk and his ministry.  Deliver me O Lord from unforgiveness and rashness of words.  Help me to be submissive to him, to be quick to hear and slow to speak.  Cleanse me from my own flesh, O Lord, that wants to hold grudges and recall the past.

Lord fill my mouth with pleasant words that will encourage him and lift him up.  Let my tongue be filled with the law of kindness.  And let me do him good and not evil all the days of my life.

Lord this is my husband.  Let there be no time in his life that I tear him down.  Help me, O Lord to build him up and to walk in holy submission toward him.  Teach me how to trust him, how to make him shine, and to love him. 

Lord, this is my husband that you've created for me.  May I never disrespect him; but honor him.  May I never damage his spirit, but encourage him.  May I never expect him to meet all of my needs,  but may they be met in you.  Let my love give him confidence, so that he does safely trust in me.  When our journey together is complete, Dear Lord, may he arise up, call me blessed and praise me in the gates.

In Jesus' name, I pray.  Amen

Love Thinks

She was crying as she lashed out at him.  He returned the vicious verbal attack to her.  We noticed they both were wearing wedding bands.  We sat there wondering, “How did this marriage disintegrate to this place?” 

On their wedding day, things were a lot different, certainly.  Neither of them would’ve ever imagined that they would be here.

So where does the breakdown of a marriage begin?  We believe it begins in the thoughts.  It has been said that our thoughts become our actions.  So before we can assault or scream or inject sarcasm, we have to think about it first. 

The enemy presents a thought to our minds through some offense, misunderstanding or even sometimes just randomly, without motive.  We make a decision to accept or reject that thought.  If we accept it, we meditate on it and then we gather other thoughts similar in nature to support the first one.  Then we stew in it.  After a short time, we are heated and ready to attack.  Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.  It all begins with a thought.

The Bible says whatsoever things are lovely, true, honest, of a good report, think on these things.  We often ignore that scripture and find ourselves filled with rage.  Just as negative thoughts can destroy a marriage, positive thoughts can build a marriage.  Just suppose you begin to think about all the wonderful reasons why you married your spouse, what do you think would come next?  A harsh word?  Hardly. 

Suppose your spouse didn’t pay the bill you asked him/her to pay.  Now you owe a late fee on top of the bill.  Your finances are already stretched.  There is a knock at the door of your heart.  Here come those negative thoughts: He/she is just irresponsible. He/she doesn’t love me.  He/she always does stuff like this.  I am the only one who cares about this relationship. You need to stop.  Because this line of reasoning will not end on a good note.  The thoughts will only get worse.  They will even dig up the past and bring old negative actions with them for reinforcement.  You are being set up for a fall.  But what if instead, you thought: he/she didn’t forget on purpose.  It was a mistake.  He/she loves our family.  He/she wants the best for us.  He/she does other things to build our family life.  And you allowed those thoughts to dig up some past positive actions, that same scenario would end completely different.  You would begin to smile and attract other kind thoughts.

Once, I overheard a woman talking about how she cursed her husband out in her mind. That is not productive to the relationship. We have to mature to the place where we make sure that the meditations of our hearts are acceptable in the sight of God. 

We must think on purpose.  It is far healthier.   Do not let thoughts run all willy nilly in your mind. Arrest them.  The scriptures tells us to take them captive. 

If couples learned to shut down those negative thoughts when they show up, marriages would be far healthier and happier. 

So what are you thinking?

Overcoming Loneliness in Marriage

We have seen married couples go on with life without each other. One spouse frequently goes on vacation without the other. They have separate social lives and some even worship at separate churches. What causes this? Why do we settle for lonely marriages, when God said that it is not good that man should be alone?

We think one of the major reasons couples settle for loneliness is that they get tired. They don't want to fight for the intimacy that is required to maintain oneness. So, they say. “At least we are not divorced”.  But should we settle for the least at the expense of God’s best for our relationships? It's not enough to keep you from divorce.

Understand there is a great difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely. When you are feeling alone – it means you have no company. This could be physically true, there is nobody else present around you and this could be figuratively true, when no one else shares your views in a group of people.  When you feel lonely – this usually has very little to do with how many people are around you. This is an inner feeling of disconnection and it is usually the result of emotional trauma. It is the unresolved issues in the marriage that cause this disconnection.

When there's a lack of effective communication in a marriage, loneliness begins to slowly set in. The unfortunate side effect of loneliness is spouses tend to resent each other, to even turn away from their partner, and to rely on others for friendship and support. This can be quite dangerous to the relationship.

Marriage takes work.  A healthy prosperous relationship will not come without cost.  You must put in the effort.  And there will be times when you will not want to; or you will feel like what’s the use?  Nevertheless you did sign up for this - marriage and the work it involves.

So, let’s look at what  we can do to avoid loneliness or remove it from our marriage:

1.      Primarily, let’s not neglect the role of prayer in our lives.  Let’s pray for ourselves and each other.  Couples should set a time to come together for prayer.  Prayer connects us to God and our spouses and keeps our hearts soft.

2.      Secondly, identify specific examples of how and why you feel lonely. For example, your spouse might be absent too frequently. You may feel your spouse ignores you, or you feel communication is poor when you are together. Separate interests may be keeping you apart.

3.      Once the issues are identified, it’s time for a husband-wife meeting.  This is the time to hammer out the issues. Talk to your partner about how you're feeling and take time to really listen to each other's feelings about any distance in the relationship. Effective communication is key in overcoming loneliness in any marriage.Good communication skills are important to making marriage work, and will help deter loneliness.  Make sure you bring resolution to whatever issues arise.

4.      Finally, incorporate date night to reconnect with your spouse.  Spend this time having fun and learning each other all over again. Do this no less than once a week. Share experiences. Go for a walk together, or join in for a favorite show or game of cards. Make your partner your primary focus of attention. Turn off all the cell phones and other distractions.

Keep in mind that you and your spouse are the only ones who can change your situation. So if you want your marriage to change – by all means, change it!

Silence is NOT Golden! by Keila Allen

The common phrase that is referenced in the movies “Silence Is Golden” is a truth that is necessary for personal enjoyment in that arena. On the contrary, when this theory is applied in marriage, it produces nothing equivalent to anything pleasurable.

 I believe that silence stems directly from a lack of understanding and miscommunication.

I have struggled with this in my marriage, quite a bit. I am a newlywed and often times I am hit with the “It won’t be me syndrome.” Thinking as if everything that I heard from other couples (seasoned or not) won’t happen to me and my husband. Allowing deception and pride to make me think as if I have the secret to doing things differently and EVERYBODY ELSE just doesn’t get it. My thought patterns were… “Communication can’t be that hard, I won’t have communication problems with my husband, all you have to do is talk, when I get mad at him, I’ll just quickly tell him how I feel.

That all went down the drain as soon as I said “I Do.” I began to see how weak my communication skills were with my husband. The following forms of silence began… shutting down, being short of words, withdrawing, adopting the false peace syndrome-fake it until you make it, pretend nothing is wrong… eventually you will get over it….This was the silent syndrome. These symptoms arose in my marriage quite frequently and I found comfort in holding on to these forms of miscommunication.  

After many times of repeating these hideous behaviors, I began to feel a sense of “disconnection” from my husband and wondered where did it come from? Often times, I would notice this when we were riding in the car. There would be this space of silence from me for about 2 minutes. He would say, “Honey what’s wrong?” After about 10 to 15 seconds more of silence, funky attitude, and body adjacent to the door as if I was going to fall out of the car, I would say “nothing.” WHAT?! REALLY?! (probably were my husbands thoughts) how crazy was that! Obviously, this most definitely was not the way to handle this situation! End Result: My husband became aggravated and shut down as well. Umm let me see here… I was left agitated, my husband frustrated, and most importantly God was not delighted in my behavior whatsoever. In addition to this, if nothing is done about it, the behaviors will continue.  

Ummm attention everyone! Time does NOT heal all wounds, IF THE MATTER IS NOT DEALT WITH PROPERLY! More time with unresolved issues brings more discontentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and so forth. BEWARE! This will definitely lead to a divorce. An emotional divorce can take place in the marriage early on before the actual separation happens.

So after saying all of this, what is the answer?

Call for Help!-. This can be from trusted pastors, spiritual mentors, etc.

Line up with the word of God.- I began to accept God’s word as the standard for my marriage and if my actions were anything different, I needed to change. (clearing my throat) yes, ME! Not my husband.  God doesn’t give us the RIGHT to hold on to anger, or the RIGHT to not forgive! Getting an understanding on what the Bible says about communication and walking in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

Repent!- Apologizing to God for my actions and turning away from those behaviors. Asking God to change my heart and help me to communicate in love. Then apologize to my husband for treating him so badly.

What I have to do today to keep me from this vicious cycle of the silent syndrome?-

•  Know that your spouse is NOT your enemy!- Meaning when you attack your husband/wife, you are really attacking each other and not the issue at hand.

 

• Pick and Choose Battles- Everything doesn’t have to be addressed. Go to God and pray about the issue before it is brought to your husband/ or wife. Have a husband-wife meeting once a week to address the issues that God lays on your heart.

• Choose Right Daily!- Read the word. Get God’s heart on communication. Make a choice to respond the right way when issues arise, because they WILL come, it’s a matter of how they are handled.

Don’t have a movie marriage, adopting the silent syndrome and looking for temporary fixes to ease your world of emotions. Experience the oneness, fullness, and thrill of a lifetime in Christ with your spouse while there is time! 

Loving Like There's No Tomorrow

She called screaming, she had found out that she had cancer.  She felt scared, angry, vulnerable and confused all at the same time.  What was this all about?  How did she get it? Was she being punished?  She had many questions that none of us could seem to answer.  She so wanted to live.

Her husband was also caught off guard.  How did a routine examination turn into something so terminal?  He put up a tough front but was dying on the inside.

Their marriage was…as she put it - fair.  It wasn’t really bad and it wasn’t really good.  It could be better.  Just a few months before the diagnosis, she was frustrated with him.  They seemed to take each other for granted.  They argued over little things. She was sarcastic and he was harsh. They didn’t agree on much.  She wasn’t submissive.  He was somewhat passive.  And neither had an urgency to change. But now there was an expiration date on their ever after.  The doctor gave her 6 months.

This intruder that ravaged her body helped to put things in perspective for them. Over the next several months, things begin to shift in their relationship.  Her husband took her to her doctor's and chemo appointments.  He prepared her meals.  He helped her bathe. He held her when she cried.  And prayed with her when she felt hopeless.  They changed the way they talked to each other.    All the things that used to hold so much weight – now meant nothing.  Money was no longer a challenge.  There were co-pays to meet. And meds to purchase.  She acquiesced to his leadership. They made plans with simplicity. Each kiss and touch meant something more than it ever did before. The closeness that the two shared was something out of a romance movie.

And 10 months later, she died.

He no longer held his strong composure.  He wept like a baby.   And although the parting of his spouse was painful and difficult, he shared with us that he had received a gift.  In his lifetime, he experienced “Holy Matrimony”.  This couple had adjusted their marriage in light of the fact that this world is temporal.  And because of that, they were able to experience God’s best in the last few months of their marriage.  He did not focus on the time lost, but on the time granted.

It is in every couple’s best interest to live like tomorrow is not promised.  We would forgive quicker, make better decisions, fight less, and love more. We really shouldn’t have to get a diagnosis to cause us to love our spouses with everything we’ve got. The reality is – if you never get a diagnosis, tomorrow is still not promised to you.  We should not take each other for granted. Every one of our steps are numbered.  Live in love with your spouse.  Love him or her like there’s no tomorrow!

Naked And Not Ashamed by John & Minnie Hardy

In marriage, we have the privilege of allowing God and our spouse to help us walk through the complicated seasons of our lives. We also get to enjoy our successes together. We are eager to share our triumphs, but it can be a lot harder to share our difficulties or even hopes and dreams.

One of the benefits of marriage is being able to be naked before your spouse–both physically and emotionally. God’s design for marriage is that we would be one–in mind, body and soul. Transparency is liberating and contagious. We have found that transparency with someone you love, invites transparency. We now realize that talking through our fears is like turning on the light in a dark room–the boogeyman seems to disappear.

It took a while for John and I to learn to trust each other with our inner-most fears–for John, it was dying young. John has sickle cell anemia and at the time we were married was not expected to live past his 20's. With that in mind, fear drove his choices and decisions early in our marriage– he was afraid that he might die before he ever really lived. I was also driven by fear–fear that my “happily ever after” life would never be realized. As a result, there were times that I was afraid to give myself fully to it.

We invite you to do as Jesus did in the Garden (Matt. 26:39). He was honest in His communication with God, but submitted to the plans and purpose of His destiny. We are advocates of professional counseling–do not be hesitant to seek pastoral or professional Christian counseling to help the communication process when necessary.

Prayer Focus: Lord, please help me to be open and transparent before you and my spouse. I submit my will to you for your purpose. I choose faith over fear and transparency over secrecy.

Independent Newlywed by Aries Winans

“I got it!”

“I can do it myself!”

“I’m not handicapped!”

“I have two hands and two feet, I can do it.”


These are comments that I often made to my husband after we got married. I felt as if I was expected to let go of all my liberties as an independent woman. I could no longer cook a meal for myself- I had to make sure he ate too, I couldn’t take out the garbage, put oil in my car, book a flight and leave town with no explanation, or even go shopping whenever I wanted, etc.

I was accustomed to making late night runs to the store, taking late night drives and sometimes even late night walks just to get some fresh air - and I thought it was perfectly fine.

When I got married, I didn’t realize what it meant to become a team player. I had to learn how to allow my husband to lead me, how to follow, how to submit, how to lovingly serve him, how to share, how to communicate with my spouse and follow him as he is the head of our house. This was no easy feat! My husband and I bumped heads a lot, mainly because it was my way or no way. I would soon find out, although I’ve been taught what to do as a wife, actually doing it once I became a wife was a totally different story. It was time to grow up and lay down my will and take up the will of Christ.

In Genesis 2:18, God said it’s not good for man to be alone. Why then, would I decide to continue in my marriage with the mindset of a single woman? In the natural, I was married. But in my mind, I still wanted to do everything myself. Clearly, my mind needed to be renewed - and fast!

After nearly 2 years, a lot of prayer and a lot of hard work, I decided to take heed to the wisdom that was constantly being ministered to me by the women in my life. I recently attended a mentoring tea at my church where my pastor dropped some serious knowledge on us. She explained to the women that we are the weaker vessel and that is not a bad thing at all. It’s actually a huge blessing! IF we choose to receive it as such. Society teaches us that the “weaker vessel” is a degrading thing. In actuality, it is not. It’s great! Yes, I am the weaker vessel, so no, I can’t take out the garbage. No, I can’t go get the brakes fixed on the car, pump the gas or carry in the groceries. I am still learning how to wait for my husband to open the door for me instead of saying, “I can do it myself!” I willingly lay down all of those things that I was taught I “had” to do as an independent woman. Don’t get me wrong, if my husband needs me to help do anything, I am always more than willing to oblige. But I know that I do not have to carry the burden of being “independent” because I am not in this alone.

Furthermore, I learned that I am not to carry the mindset of an independent woman, period. I am to be forever dependent on my Heavenly Father. He is my source, my peace, my comforter, my life, the very breath that I breathe. He is the Lover of my soul and the lifter of my head. I must depend on Him to direct my path every single day.

Below are a few valuable lessons that I have learned and implemented to help me rid the independent mindset:

1) My husband is not my enemy.

2) I am totally accepted by my husband.

3) I am the weaker vessel.

4) My dependency is on Christ, not myself.

5) Study what the word says about being a wife.

6) Communication is key!

7) Lovingly allow my husband to lead our family. Stay out of his seat!

8) We are a team. There is no “I” in “team”.

9) Be confident in who God created me to be.

10) Let go of unrealistic expectations.


It’s a beautiful thing to be a “dependent” newlywed. I am “all IN” with being fully dependent upon my Lord and will continue to lovingly follow my husband all the days of our lives. I may not get it right every time, but as we move forward as a team, we will grow as we continue to totally depend and lean on Christ.

It's Worth The Fight by Lyntina McClendon

It's so interesting; it seems not many people are up for the fight to keep their marriages. All over the news we hear about the "hot couples" being the new victims of divorce proceedings after a bout with infidelity.


What's more interesting is that this is not exclusive to the secular world; we are seeing an epidemic of divorce amongst believers, when we know that God's word says "the two shall become one flesh".

What is it? Are we not strong enough to fight for our marriage? Is it impossible to hold back words of wrath and bitterness against our own spouse? Are we so flimsy that at the first occurence of a major issue we fold and throw in the towel? There is no question that today's marriages face an abundance of agitators and opponents of harmony: In Laws, Differences of Opinion, Infidelity,  Finances or the Lack thereof, Stepchildren and the other parent, Communcation Deterioration, Frienemies that encourage you to leave instead of insisting that you fight for your marriage. These are just a few of the things that are constantly coming at the married couple on a daily basis. It would be foolish, to disregard the severity of each of the above situations, because they are real. However, we can accomplish and conquer anything, if there is unity and a common determination - We are going to fight for our marriage and WIN.

It is very probable that today's statistics of split-ups and divorce is due to selfishness and slothfulness. If things are not going smoothly, instead of focusing on a strategy to find the root of the conflict and resolve that, we start giving deadlines for the spouse to straighten up or its "deuces". What a lazy way to combat a problem. Absolutely no resolve to fight. We show more resolve to fight when we see a mouse in the house. "I can't sleep until that mouse is dead", we say. We are willing to "give up sleep" to kill a mouse, but we won't get actively involved to save our marriage, we leave it on the other person to "straighten up" and that in itself is a selfish stance.

Did you stop to think that "you" might need to adjust something in your position? Did you stop to think that your spouse may take the same attitude you have taken? For both people to leave the solution on the other person makes the ground a Standoff. You stand off from each other. You stand off the vows you made for richer, poorer, better, worse. You stand off from becoming a tool to repair what is broken. You stand off from the fight, because it takes too much work. YOU STANDOFF AGAINST GODS WORD. The Two shall become ONE FLESH.

Now, I don't know of anyone in their right mind that fights their own flesh. When I stub my toe, my mouth screams in anguish! My hand grabs the foot and my knees buckle. My pores sweat indicating to the whole body, our toe is hurt and we gotta stop this hurt! Now it would be a sad picture to see someone kicking a wall with the intention of stubbing the toe, and then see that same person laughing and pointing at the toe, saying "thats what you get!" Sounds absolutely insane, doesn't it? Well that's just how we sound when we are attacking and hurting our spouse. YOUR SPOUSE IS YOUR FLESH. To stab your spouse in the chest is to stab yourself in the back. Stop fighting each other and use that energy to Fight for your MARRIAGE.

It does not matter WHAT you are facing, you are much more effective TOGETHER. If you have the energy to talk on the phone to your friend about your issues, you have the energy to talk to your spouse to come up with a plan to resolve your issues. If you have enough energy to scheme and find a way to make your spouse feel low, you have the energy to speak well of your spouse and build up! You see, we are using the energy that is supposed to go towards the nuture of our marriage incorrectly. We are using it to tear down and that is not in God's will for you.

Take every ounce of gumption, strenth and intention that you have in your being and Fight for your marriage. Fight. Win!!!

To Forgive or Not to Forgive? By Lynette Hayes

Forgiveness is a choice, we all want it, but how often do we extend it?

Marriage is probably the only relationship that requires "daily" forgiveness. It is the enemy’s job to point out every flaw in our spouse (Revelation 12:10). As we focus on our spouse’s flaws we develop discontentment towards them. As discontentment grows, unforgiveness settles in, and unforgiveness is a breeding ground for hopelessness. When hope is lost, the topic of divorce is inevitable.

3 tips for preventing unforgiveness:

1.) Understand your spouse is not perfect. When we truly understand our spouse is not perfect, their mistakes are easily pardoned or released from punishment. Romans 3:10 says There is none righteous, no, not one. All have fallen short and all have sinned (Romans3:22-25) . Keeping that in mind, your spouse will continue to make mistakes throughout the rest of their life. However, if they apply the Word of God they will overcome strongholds; but they will never be perfect.

2.) Recognize your own imperfections- Matthew 7:3-5 says and why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Focus on you, God does not glory in us concentrating on others more than ourselves. The Bible speaks directly to us as individuals regarding God’s expectations for us, therefore we are responsible for our own actions. Besides we have to stand before God and give an account for ourselves and not our spouse. If we spend more time strengthening and developing ourselves we have far less time to focus on our spouse’s errors.

3.) Prayer- Prayer is a POWERFUL tool! It is one of the most intimate ways to interact with God. Our lives are changed as a result of prayer. If you are like I used to be, prayer is usually a last resort. In the past, instead of being my first response, it followed worrying, accusing, belittling, and nagging. When you pray for your spouse’s sin issues and shortcomings, God gives you a level of compassion towards them. Prayer not only changes your spouse’s life, it changes yours. God always shows us ourselves when we petition Him on behalf of our spouse. I believe he does that to keep us humble and to help us realize that we, too, need Him. I am so glad that God’s mercy doesn't allow me to receive what I deserve and His grace gives me that which I do not earn!

FORGIVENESS IS A REQUIREMENT FOR A HEALTHY MARRIAGE. Often those who find it difficult to forgive themselves also find it hard to forgive others. Know that God has forgiven you and His love covers every mistake. Apply God’s word, Luke 6:36 says Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Make forgiveness a lifestyle it will transform your life as well as your marriage!

Marriage And Meatloaf by Charity Dean

I have only been married for 8 1/2 months. Since the day I said, “I do” to the man I love, I have learned so much about marriage. The most important thing I’ve learned thus far is that marriage is a lot like meatloaf.

If you were to Google “meatloaf”, you might find beautiful pictures of well browned creations oozing with the perfect blend of herbs and seasonings. You might find them well dressed on a beautiful platter. If you were to see a commercial advertising meatloaf, it would appear to be the perfect oval shape, with the perfect mixture of seasonings and ground beef. It may even be accompanied by parsley or perfect potatoes.

If you have never cooked meatloaf, you are in for the shock of your life, especially if your first creation looks more like disfigured tree bark, than meatloaf. You may be filled with disappointment and maybe even discouragment to find that the dinner entrée you prepared is nothing like the one on TV!!!

And so it is with marriage. There is an image that we, especially as newlyweds, have in our minds as to what makes a “good marriage”. We are far too spiritual and/or sophisticated to think we will have the “perfect” marriage. But we know what a “good” marriage looks like. We have seen them and that’s what we want. The reality is that most good marriages are like a good meatloaf. It doesn’t look perfect on the outside but the true test of its goodness is what has been put into it.

When I first got married, I wanted my husband and I to look the part. I wanted us to be together all the time. We had to dress alike and appear on the same page, at all times. I definitely hated when I went to church alone. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well or just wanted a day off. It would tear me up. “What would people think, if I was in church by myself?” I was more concerned about looking good than being good.

As we began to get to know each other, I realized that if I wanted us to truly be happy, I would have to get rid of my issue with appearances. God began to show me myself and it was not pretty. I had to ask myself, “Do I want him to just be with me at church or did I want him to have a genuine, relationship with God?” In order for him to truly experience the latter, I had to get out of the way and allow him to have his own relationship with God.

One thing I hate about making meatloaf is that you have to get your hands dirty. It’s not like washing off a chicken and seasoning it. Meatloaf requires a literal rolling up of the sleeves. It requires getting eggs and breadcrumbs and seasonings and COLD ketchup on your hands. You have to mix it all together with your bare hands. It’s pretty gross. But it’s necessary if you want a good meatloaf.

God showed me that it is the same for marriage. If I wanted a good marriage, I would have to roll my sleeves up and get to work. It would require being uncomfortable and getting dirty. For me, that would mean learning how to let God be in control. It would also mean that I would have to do housework (yikes!) and submit to my husband. I would have to always remember that God needs to be first in our marriage. He, like the egg in the meatloaf, would hold us together and keep us from falling apart.

I have never, ever cooked a meatloaf that looks like the ones on TV. I don’t think I ever will. My meatloaves are sometimes lopsided, sometimes flat, or sometimes just plain ugly. They sometimes fall apart even when I use 2 eggs to hold them together. But I have learned that it doesn’t matter. My husband loves my meatloaf; because what’s inside makes it a good meatloaf.

And so it is with my marriage, it doesn’t always look pretty on the outside. But my husband and I have committed to rolling up our sleeves and getting dirty; we are committed to keep God inside. And that my friends, makes it a good marriage!!