Grown Apart

We received a text message on our cell phones. It read: The Gores are divorcing after 40 years of marriage. We had many questions: How do you give up a 40 year investment? How do you unravel two lives intertwined over 4 decades?


Think about all the silly quirks that you have come accustomed to and all the habits that comfort. These are things that we generally take for granted. The hum of her slight snoring is the rhythm that rocks him to sleep. Waking up to the smell of fresh brewed coffee. The way she remembers birthdays and anniversaries. His comforting arms in the midst of bad news. The efficient way she handles family business. The way he opens the blinds early in the morning to let the sun in. The way she folds the towels. His corny jokes. Her laughter as it fills the room. His side of the bed. The smell of her perfume. And then all of sudden…no more.

It’s over.

And why? The former Vice-President and his wife said they have “grown apart.” They use this euphemism to make it all seem as if its no big deal. This decision is “mutual.” Nothing earth-shattering. It’s just life.

On the contrary, divorce is devastating. There will be many casualties in the aftermath. God calls it treacherous. (Malachi2:15-16) It is an abomination. If we are realistic, we know that it is a big deal when someone cashes in 40 years. It’s not as “innocent” as portrayed. The wounds are deep.

The Gores contend that no one cheated. But they were both cheated. Somewhere along the line, they stopped cherishing each other. Other interests grabbed first place in their affections. They didn’t properly invest in the most important relationship in their lives. As a result, loyalty was lost. Unfaithfulness settled in. It is defined as being untrue to one’s commitment. It starts in the heart.

They say the decision was made carefully and with much consideration. We wonder why they didn’t choose to work on growing together? Reconnect. Get counseling. Work it out for better or for worse. After all the children, grandchildren, and all else that has resulted from this union, wouldn’t it be worth it?

What was supposed to be “unto death do us part” has become “until we’ve grown apart.” And many will follow in their footsteps. It’s sad.

We pray for the entire Gore family and all who this break-up affects.

We are just glad that God doesn’t divorce us when we grow apart from Him. He stands with His arms outstretched beckoning us back home. We love you, Lord.

Don't Say It

"We can just get a divorce!" Many couples lash out these words at each other at the slightest offense.  What a powerful declaration! We open our mouths and hearts to accept the thing that God says that He hates (Malachi 2:16).  We release these words into our relationships, into our homes.  For believers, it grieves the heart of God. 

My husband and I were talking about how powerful words are.  We underestimate them at times.  And we speak in haste and out of emotion.  Sometimes, we speak without thinking.  The Word of God tells us that life and death are in the power of our tongues.   We possess such amazing power to change our lives and destinies, through our words.  The Lord clearly warns us to be slow to speak.  We must handle words very carefully, because they are spirit.

In fact, the word "divorce" means dividing the power.  God has empowered a married couple as a dynamic team that can put 10,000 evil spirits to flight. And satan has devised a scheme to halt it.  He causes us to use our greatest weapon against ourselves - our tongues.  Divorce causes us to lose some of our power.  So why would we want to fling this word around so flippantly? 

My husband and I have made a pledge to not allow the spirit of divorce in our marriage.  We refuse to threaten each other with it, no matter how angry we get.  And that has changed the whole dynamic of our relationship.  It has increased our commitment and our love walk. 

I heard a preacher say that in some rural parts of Botswana, Africa, there is NO divorce, because they don't have a word for it.  That is so powerful.  Since there is no word for it, it doesn't exist.  It can't be called forth to destroy families. 

Let us eliminate the word "divorce" as an option or a threat.  Decide that it won't exist among your family. Agree together, that you won't speak it in your marriage. Your commitment will increase and your ability to problem solve will be greater, and your love life will evolve.  True love is patient and longsuffering.  It is not selfish or unkind.  It is unconditional.  It is a forever love.  It never ever fails. (I Corinthians 13).

When you are upset or in the heat of emotion, choose new life-giving words.  Be angry and sin not. In other words, don't say it!

Keep Your Marriage Alive

My wife and I were sitting at a restaurant eating when I observed a middle-aged gentleman walk to his car. I noticed he didn’t drive off. He sat there for a moment. A few minutes later, a woman walked out on a cane. She appeared to be his wife. She went to the same car. It took her a while to get to the car because she was walking very slowly. I watched the husband who seemed to have no interest in assisting his wife. She struggled to get into the car alone. He never even opened the door for her. I wondered about his attitude. Why would he leave his wife to fend for herself like that? It saddened me.

 

Unfortunately, that is the state of marriages all over this country. We have such a casual attitude toward holy matrimony. There is no reverence for the sanctified covenant that God initiated. We got all excited over the “event” of marriage. But somehow we’ve lost our fervor for the journey. We take one another for granted; exchanging harsh words and glaring looks. There is no spouse loyalty. We say whatever we want to and about our spouse. Our respect for each other has diminished over a period of time. And most often, that time has been quite abrupt. It seems that the most that we can hope for is a platonic semi-friendly relationship.

 

This is certainly not God’s will. He expected that we would delight in the marriage relationship. He instructed us to live joyfully with the wife of our youth. Marriage is to be a celebration of intimacy and friendship. So how do we keep the fire alive and make sure that we don’t become that couple?

 

• Speak life-giving words to each other every single day. (Hebrews 3:13)
• Pray for our spouses daily and add ourselves to that list. (I Thess 5:17)
• Say, I love you, and mean it. (Ephesians 5:25)
• Consider our spouse before ourselves. (Philippians 2:4)
• Don’t let the sun go down on our anger. Talk it through (Ephesians 4:26)
• Forgive. (Matthew 18:21,22)
• Maintain a date night every week (Proverbs 5:18)
• Study the Word together (II Timothy 2:15)

It takes work to have a successful marriage. You get out of it what you put in.

 

 

 

Second Time Around

We went to the movies the other day, for our date night.  It was quite interesting because the movie we chose to see was on marriage.  However the plot of the movie seemed to be promoting divorce.  And not just in this movie, but others like it.  Whenever someone divorces his/her spouse, they remarry someone better looking and better acting.  It's always better the second time around.  We need to realize it's just a movie.  Statistics prove that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than 1st marriages.  And the rate continues to sky rocket with each subsequent marriage. 

The thing that alarmed us the most is that Hollywood preaches to its audience and we take its theology to heart as if its the gospel. (And we all know Hollywood is no authority on marriage).  Too many times, we have heard people quote a line from a movie or repeat a scene as if that's the way we ought to conduct our lives.  The message from Hollywood's pulpit is in direct opposition to the Word of God.  God is married to His bride come what may.  He never divorces her for a better model.  In fact, He promises never to leave her or forsake her.  His bride has not merited this unconditional commitment.  She gains it because of His love for her. She has hurt him, hated him and wounded him. She has even played the harlot pursuing other lovers.  But His loving response was to rescue her from her sin by laying down His life for her.  And He asked us to do the same in our relationships.  Love like He loves. 

It is our prayer, that when those aching from a flawed relationship, sit in a cushy theatre seat and watch this person who escapes his/her pain through divorce (as she/he gets scooped up by someone better), that they will remember its simply entertainment.  After the movie is over, each of those actors go back to their real lives.  And so do we.

Marriage is not without its challenges.  It doesn't matter who your spouse is.  If we can learn to love like Christ and not like Hollywood, we would get better results in our marriages.

Why Did I Get Married

Why did I get married? At some point in your marriage, you will ask this question. To leave it unanswered, could be detrimental. Some may say they got married because they were pregnant at the time.  Some will answer with, "I thought I was in love".  Others answer that they needed financial support, or they had just been together for a long time, etc., etc. The list can be exhaustive.

However to properly answer this question, it requires that we go back to the original intent of marriage. We got married, because marriage was God's idea. We just aren't that spiritual. The idea of marriage came from heaven. God dropped it into the earth. He wanted a replica of His relationship to the church. And so it was. We ventured out until we found someone that we wanted to be married to.. and the rest is history. We got married because God had a good idea. And we embraced it.

Couples seem to falling by the wayside in groves. Why is it so hard for couples to stay married? If marriage was God's idea, why don't marriages last?

Marriages don't last because we don't have a proper understanding. We don't know the purpose of it. So when things don't go as we imagine, we think that we are supposed to jump ship and abandon the relationship.  We enter marriage number 2 hoping for the same goal. And we just keep getting disappointed.

As believers we must understand and embrace suffering in our relationship with our Bridegroom. In the same way, husbands and wives will also suffer. If we expect it, we won't be shocked when it comes. Marriage prepares us for heaven. It helps us to shed our selfish, sinful nature. It helps to learn to become one with another person. God is looking for glory. As we submit to the stripping of the flesh, we allow glory to be revealed. Matrimony was meant to be holy. 

So don't abandon your marriage vows just because you hit a rough patch.  Work through it.  There is no such thing as a challenge-free relationship.  Marriage is made up of two human beings.  That automatically presents a challenge.  God has fully equipped you to be able to get through whatever obstacles present themselves.  For better or for worse keep your word to Him to stay married for a lifetime!