We had a situation with a family member interfering in the relationship of her newly married children. In our opinion, she didn’t realize that she was interfering. She just thought that was the way it should be. She continued to “mother” her marrieds in the same way that she had done with her singles. And it was frustrating to the new son-in-law. The most difficult part was she saw them as children and not as twenty-something adults.
Parents sometime hit a comfortable patch in parenting and park it there. Parenthood must adjust. We should not parent a 6 year old in the same way we parent a 16 year old. As children grow, so should our parenting styles. Our whole job is to prepare them to be independent from us and dependent on the Lord. This has become more problematic as mothers and fathers have a tough time releasing their children into adulthood. Not only is there a need for an adjustment with our adult children but there is an additional adjustment with our married children. The married couple needs to be free to develop their marriage union without outside interference.
So how do you get parents to stop interfering? Adult married children must take the initiative in helping parents let go. The Bible puts the responsibility on the husband, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife. Sometimes, its just a simple conversation to make the parent aware that he/she has overstepped the boundaries. Other times, the couple will have to draw clearer, more definite lines. Nevertheless “the leaving” is the responsibility of the married couple. It’s tough, but necessary in order to have a thriving, healthy relationship.
Parents should help their children with that transition by respecting boundaries. Often, parents feel such a sense of loss, that they are unwilling to do it. If we, as parents put ourselves in the shoes of our married children, we would be much more sensitive and understanding to what is most beneficial for our children’s relationship. Marriage is hard enough. But when you have in-laws emotionally attached to it, its that more difficult.
What if you give that parent power by asking them for financial support. Can we still have that same approach? That is the problem I am having. I need to have my mother separate but I am in a financially hard time and my husband is not working. This is allowing her to have a say so in my marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt is not the best decision to take a loan from a parent who is also intrusive. Borrowing money often comes with invisible strings. Nevertheless, yes, you can take the same approach with your parent. It would be advisable to have a conversation with her. Approach her with the understanding that she means well. Most parents do.
ReplyDelete