The Illumination by Angela Bradley

 Are there some dark places in your marriage which you and your spouse can't tunnel

through, and it seems to be no light at the end?  It could be anything that you

simply can't see eye to eye, or an issue that keeps casting shadows on your

relationship. Don't be dismayed, because in the midst of the darkest moment,the

radiance of pure light shines forth.

This became quite apparent on a late rendezvous Date Night with my husband. We drove

across the new San Francisco Bay Bridge, which is spectacular.  But we also noticed

that the western span of the bridge near the city's skyline was brightly lit. After

dinner, I felt led to go back and drive along the waterfront on Embarcadero.

As we approached the bridge we noticed each tier was outlined with thousands upon

thousands of miniature lights. Mind you, it was not Christmas time, in fact it was

mid March. We kept watching and I noticed vertical lights were streaming up and

down.  I brought it to my husband's attention and he dispelled it saying,

“Maybe it just 'seems' or looks like that”. We drove a little further and

he finally confirmed that I wasn't “seeing things”.  The lights were

actually moving. We drove into full view of the bridge and we saw stunning light

sculptures! One of  seals floating through the panels of the bridge another of

fireworks.

Revelation came forth- we realized if the lights had been on during the day  we

would not have been able to see 25,000 lights! 

Remember light shines more radiantly in darkness. So let THE LIGHT- God Himself-

shine in the midst of the dark places of your marriage. If you allow Him to be The

Master Designer  He will shed the right degree of light and illuminate your heart

and mind. Don't allow the darkness to blind or prevent you from seeing the creative

beauty of your love.

You can design your marriage to be amazing even in the midst of darkness. Simply

take the thousand fragments of light and create a masterpiece.  What can

“appear” to be doom can be turned into a beautiful sculpture.

Let the light of love, joy and peace shine forth and dispel the darkness of your

heart, mind and eyes...see THE ILLUMINATION.

Note: The Bay Lights were designed by artist Leo Villareal. Whenever you're in San

Francisco make plans to see this amazing exhibit of the Bay Bridge (near Alcatraz)

“Light has a very universal quality...” said Villareal

Blended by Crystal Jones

When we speak of blended families, we are usually thinking about step families. But when I think of blended families I think of more than that.  I think of the family I inherited when I married my husband – ‘the in-laws’. 

Most brides enter their new family thinking their own family superior.  I was not unlike the usual. We tend to cling to the familiar.  We take the stance, that “my family doesn't do it that way…or act like that”.  So new brides tend to be defensive in a lot of ways.  I saw a lot of things in the Jones family that I didn't understand and a lot of things I didn't like. I am sure they can say the same thing about me (lol).

It’s funny, but as I grew in maturity, I saw the Jones family through different lenses.  I saw the love that they lavished upon each other, even when they didn't agree.  They showed up for one another in full force whenever there was an event.  They checked on each other.  They helped each other. This was a unique bunch.  At their core is love and forgiveness.   They are close knit and have an amazing sense of family that I love and adore.  It is honor to be blended in.  Thank you Lord.

And it’s not just the Jones, but the Deans.  My daughter married into an amazing family.  We are so attached to the Deans.  They snatched our hearts and poured themselves in.  We celebrate everything together.  The Deans are a family of educators.  They are loving, thoughtful and extravagantly generous.  They comprise a small family, so our super-sized group makes us all feel connected in a special way. Sometimes, I wonder where the Deans have been all my life.  They are such a wonderful blessing.

My granddaughter’s mom is not my daughter-in-law, but has become my daughter.  We share intimate conversation.  I am her mentor.  She is a smart, beautiful woman.  Tamekia, her fiancé and her boys are also our family.  We've all been blended in. There is nothing we wouldn't do for them.  She knows it. 

My husband was just recently exposed to a whole new family when he met his dad.  The Davis family is much larger than our own.  God keeps expanding our hearts to feel us with so much love.  My husband’s siblings are such beautiful people.  They have opened themselves completely up to us, fully accepting us.  God is amazing.  What a bonus!  We are so in love with them. 

When I look at the many ways God blends families, it blesses me.  It’s not just the in-laws and the steps, its a hodgepodge of people that make us all connected.  If we do not learn to love and accept each other right where we are, we lose out on the best part.  Let’s not reject our in-laws or step families because they don’t think like us or act like us.  That’s the best part.  We get exposed to a whole new way of life that will enrich and bless us if we would just open our eyes and our hearts.

Why Doesn’t He Just Know? by Crystal Jones

I was talking to a young couple the other day.  She wanted her husband to go all out for her birthday and he just wasn't receiving her messages.  Her birthday came and went.  She was devastated. 

It wasn't that he didn't acknowledge it.  He did.  He just didn't do it in the way that she wanted.  Her problem is actually quite common.  Instead of telling her husband what she needed, she sat back in romantic expectation waiting for him to figure it out.  After all she had left an ample number of clues.  “Why do I have to tell him?” she demanded. Contrary to what you believe, ladies, your message cannot be delivered through osmosis.

I am asked the “Why doesn't He get it?” question quite often.  Many young wives have bought into a unrealistic relationship approach delivered by our culture.  This fantasy message is that the right husband will automatically know what his wife needs.  No instructions necessary.  And if he doesn't then he probably doesn't love her.  But it’s so far from the truth. 

The real answer is men are simply not women.  Their masculine brains do not process things in the same way we do. Often our signals are lost on them. This requirement for him to figure it out is unreasonable.  We are expecting our husbands to act like women.  A man is a man is a man.  He can respond to femininity but he cannot be feminine.

It has nothing to do with how much he loves.  It is how he is wired. The average husband really wants to please his wife.  He yearns to do those things that put a smile on her face. Ladies, we have to admit we are pretty complex beings.  We don’t often know what it is that we want, so how can he know?  Last week we were on a diet, but this week we want chocolate.  It can be tough being married to a woman.  Hormones and feelings can make things pretty complicated.

Let’s not lose out on really enjoying our marriages, let’s not expect our husbands to process our feminine longings with their male brains.  The best approach is to keep it simple.  Tell your husband exactly what it is that you want.  There is no romance lost in that.  It doesn't matter whether  it’s a hug, time alone, help with the chores, dinner out, or a particular birthday gift.  The best approach is to sit down and have a conversation. 

You have to appreciate that you have a man that WANTS to please you.  He WANTS to fulfill your wildest dreams.  Isn't that romantic enough? 

     

This silly game of ‘guess what I want’ is a dangerous path of disappointment.  So let’s practice those principles that make for a strong, healthy relationship.  No more guessing games.  Go ahead, tell him.

Don't Touch Me! by Crystal Jones

Nearly every married woman has uttered these words at some time in her relationship. She speaks them in the height of her emotions as a threat to her husband.  As if it is a pleasure for him to touch her while she is ready to explode.  No man find this pleasurable, or for that matter, even safe.  However he ventures to touch her anyway. Why? His intent is to calm her; to bring her out of this negative place to at least a neutral place. 

But she refuses his touch.  Perhaps it is her way to punish him.  Or perhaps she is not finished being angry.  She wants to remain in her fuming state so that she can teach him a ‘valuable’ lesson. While she is teaching lessons, she is shutting something down inside of him.  And later she wonders why things are changed or different, because she doesn't see the invisible damage she’s done.

Touch is powerful.  Healing is received through touch.   Ministry is released through touch. Touch signifies a relationship and can indicate and attract closeness.

 

The scriptures tell us in Matthew 18:19, Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. 

A marriage relationship has an automatic ‘two of you’. You can touch not only physically, but spiritually by coming in agreement.  And the Word says the results are amazing – It shall be done!  If we asked God to bring peace to our union, He would just do it.

The marriage is most vulnerable when it has been wounded through offense.  This is the time that it most desperately needs a touch. Jesus ministered to men by touching them.  And it was not only his touch them that healed.  But there was a woman who was healed because she touched Him.  Touch is important.  Our brokenness can be mended through touch.  A gentle touch can turn a heated situation.

So why do we reject touch?  Because when we are angry, flesh takes it as an invitation to show up.   The Bible warns us to be angry but don’t sin.  Understand we can only sin when we are in the flesh.  So we have to be wary of our own anger because it can cause us to sin.  It’s fleshly anger that draws us out of the will of God.  We say damnable things that we ought not say.  We make destructive choices that we ought not make.  All because flesh was invited to a fight. 

Maturity teaches us how to have a righteous anger.  We remain in the spirit and attack the sin and not our lover.  We speak slowly and carefully, allowing the Lord to guide us.  When he says enough, or be quiet, we yield.  A righteous anger promotes peace.

An unrighteous, fleshly anger has no self control and a tendency to withdraw.  The spouse says whatever she/he thinks without weighing their words.  It’s as if the injured spouse feels the offense gives her a free pass to say whatever or do whatever she wants because she was hurt; as if there are no consequences for her actions.  Yes, flesh is tricky.

Isn’t good to know that God doesn’t treat us this way?  We’ve offended Him many times over.  But he doesn’t say “Don’t Touch Me!”  He knows that we are in desperate need of his touch.  We ache for it. We can only get better if we receive His touch.  It’s the same way in our marriages.

And I do understand that it is not just wives who refuse touch.  Sometimes husband refuse it as well. So whether you are a wife or a husband, this message is for you.  If you are ever brewing with anger and your spouse reaches out to touch you, don't refuse it.  Don't invite your flesh into your marriage. Resist the urge to withdraw.  You will receive far better benefits when you walk in the Spirit.  So go ahead and touch.

Changing Your Spouse by Oscar and Crystal Jones

Have you ever thought about changing your spouse?  Not everything… but some of the  little annoyances. If you are honest, you have to admit there are some things you want to change about your spouse.    We all do. Maybe you want more your spouse to be more affectionate, on time,  a better financial steward or just be a neater person.  Maybe you want your mate to be more relational with his/her family, more faithful in his/her walk with Christ or quicker to forgive others.  These things are not unreasonable. In fact, the change you want to see would actually benefit your spouse.  A tweak here or there.  We all see things that we want changed.  The problem is we can’t change our spouses.  No amount of nagging, talking, crying or pleading will work.  Those activities aren't the magic wands of change.

That doesn't mean your spouse won’t ever change. Change may come but we cannot orchestrate that change. First of all, we are not skilled enough to cause that change to come.  God uses the right recipe of grace and mercy to bring us to a place of change.  He knows the right timing to bring each particular area of concern to light. He knows how to deal with the painful areas in our lives that got us here in the first place.  His love covers.  As humans, we may know the destination, but not clearly understand the route that needs to be taken. We would just trample all over sensitive places just to get to the change.  God doesn't do that.  He is all knowing.  He understands both how we got there and how we need to get out. 

Not only that, it really doesn't feel good when your spouse is constantly trying to change you.  It makes you feel like you are not accepted the way you are.  God alone is God enough.  He doesn't need any help from us.  His molding is therapeutic.  It may still be painful just not in the same way.    

So what should you do if you see areas that need to be changed?  You can patiently pray for that change to occur.  But you can’t execute the change.  You said, “I do” to your spouse right where they are. So love him or her through it.  It is NOT your personal assignment to change him/her.  Can you share an area of concern every now and again?  Only as we are led by the Holy Spirit. We have to allow the Holy Spirit to do His work in His timing.  We don’t get to help Him.  We simply must obey His leading in our lives.  'Cause isn't that how we want it for ourselves?  Please be mindful, there are some things your spouse wants changed about you.  

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by Keila Allen

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

 As this phrase rings in my head over and over again, I’m brought to a place of thankfulness and appreciation for my husband. After being unemployed for a little over two months, he started a new job today, 9.10.13. New schedule, new routines, new expectations… how would this day play out? How would I feel at the end of the day? Having to entertain my precious but yet LIVEacious (yeah I made it up) toddler ALL DAY, w/o release time from her dad? Yikes! Ok, my mind began to prepare for the challenge. 

The more that I planned the day, the more I found myself thinking about my husband. I thought about how long his drive would be to his new job. What work would he be required to accomplish? What new people would he meet? Would he actually EAT the lunch I made him? No blasts on me or him! He just forgot to eat lunch at his last job due to the fact that he was so busy. He was only gone 30 min and I already was envisioning the moment he returned home.  It was funny to me because all I could think about was him.

The phrase returned yet again to my mind, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I conclude that I’d rather be absent from my husband than distant. Absence is the state of someone being away for an expected short period of time, and being distant is the state of someone being disconnected with an uncertain amount of time and definitely can occur while the person is present. Absence brings anticipation and distance brings disappointment. Having experienced both of these feelings in my marriage, I choose absence!  I anticipate him calling me on his lunch break. I anticipate him texting me. I anticipate him giving me that looong greeting of a hug and kiss when he comes home. It just feels so different than that usual kiss or hug. It’s so easy to take these small acts for granted.

Our recent move to Georgia has caused our marriage to improve in various ways. We have spent unusual amounts of time together while transitioning from one state to another. We have been truly learning how to live and operate as a team. In the past three years, we have struggled quite a bit in the area of prayer, problem solving and communication. We thought that we were operating as one, but definitely didn't grasp this concept until now. We were flooded with selfishness and individualism IN our marriage. 

When you operate as a team, the award doesn't go to the wife or the husband, it goes to the MARRIAGE and God receives the glory. When the husband’s motive is to please the wife and the wife’s motive is to please her husband, you end up ministering to each other.  This is the familiar phrase that most of us that are part of MFAL (Marriage For A Lifetime) have heard, “Do What’s in the Best Interest of the Marriage.”

Marriage is really a beautiful gift from the Lord. Now that our season has changed, I’m truly thankful to the Lord for giving me a positive perspective on this situation and an opportunity to MISS or be absent from my husband. Often times I find that when I pause and reflect on ways to serve and please him and NOT my needs, it rekindles feelings that I may have neglected or left unappreciated. Marriage is something that you have to protect and pursue on a constant basis, just like anything else that is meaningful. Instead of letting my heart wander while he’s gone, I’m choosing to let it grow fonder and stronger in anticipation of his sweet return.

The Right Help Part II by Greg and Saryta Colbert

In our last blog, we covered the benefits of finding the right help, and how with the right help we are provided with the treatment necessary to begin the healing process and then led in the direction of a healthy married life.

In addition, we have found that finding the right help is just the first step. Once we obtain the counsel necessary, we must then apply the instructions given to continue the healing process. Let’s continue with our story.

After being assured we were in the right place and receiving the necessary treatment, we were provided with care instructions to follow once we were home. We would have to be sure to clean the area at least 3 times a day. The area would need to be thoroughly dried and aired out for a while. Next we would have to apply the cream to the wound and wrap it in gauze to protect it from bacteria and infection. They informed us to be liberal with the application of the cream, more is better to help with the healing process. Once the healing began, we no longer were required to wrap the wound in the gauze, but were to continue to apply the special cream. This cream kept the area soft and free from a hardening scab. It kept it from beginning to dry out rapidly and cause itching, irritation, and scarring.

As you can see, there were very specific steps we had to take to assure that the wound our son suffered was able to heal properly. We have found that this is similar to our marriage relationship. The primary intent of instructions is to prevent casualties and produce healing and healthy growth. Oftentimes we tend to view instructions in a negative fashion, feeling that we are being stripped of what we desire and how we feel about the matter. But when we are able to see the benefits of what we are kept from and the rewarding relationship that is produced, we are then able to see the value in instruction and follow through. This is all found in the application process.

Cleansing – Renewing

Before anything could be applied to the wound, there had to be a cleansing process. A removal of the harmful, infectious, dead areas exposing the area that needed to be treated. In Romans 12:2a the Bible says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. This is the process of removing the toxic mindset and habits that we have acquired through experience or faulty teaching and then being exposed to the life giving power of God’s Word.

Aired Out – Communication

Communication is the key. Not just any type of communication, but seeking out righteous communication. This applies to the individual that keeps everything bottled up, as well as to the individual that tells how they feel with no discretion. The goal is to afford each other a safe environment to effectively and efficiently communicate the issues and concerns that arise in the relationship. Prioritizing the Husband/Wife Meeting is vital to the health of your marriage.

Apply Cream – Application

In Matthew 7:24-27 we see two houses that experience the exact same circumstances, but two very different outcomes. They also received the same instruction. What separated disaster from triumph was one basic principle… application. One house stood because it put into practice the instructions given. The other house fell because it did not put into practice the instructions it was given. Information without application creates frustration. Our marriages have the potential to be healthy as long as we are willing to apply what we learn.

Wrap It – Protection

This is just a reminder of the initial concept; finding the right help. We have to be very careful and selective when it comes to who we expose our wounds to.  It is well advised to have individuals in your life that provide a type of covering for your marriage. This keeps you accountable so that you don’t find yourself “covering up” the matter but seeking counsel from a protective “covering.” 

Apply Liberally – More is better

The goal is saturation. We must get into the practice of saturating our marriages in godly practices, continuing to encourage exposure to the right things even after the wound begins to heal.  James 1:4 says “But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” God’s ultimate goal is not just a marriage that is healed, but one that is whole and complete.

The great part about consistent application is that it changes the natural habit of things. In our sons example, the application of the cream kept his skin from responding in its natural way by producing a hardening scab and eventual scarring. In our marriages, when we apply the prescribed material, we will begin to see that our natural habit of harboring unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment will change. It will prevent a hardening of the heart and produce a heart that is soft, pliable and receptive.

Finally, when the healing has begun, we will no longer have the need to wrap up the wounds our marriages have suffered. What appeared to be chaos and destruction now has the potential to become a testament of the power of God’s Word activated by application.

Apply Liberally,

Team Colbert