Silence is NOT Golden! by Keila Allen

The common phrase that is referenced in the movies “Silence Is Golden” is a truth that is necessary for personal enjoyment in that arena. On the contrary, when this theory is applied in marriage, it produces nothing equivalent to anything pleasurable.

 I believe that silence stems directly from a lack of understanding and miscommunication.

I have struggled with this in my marriage, quite a bit. I am a newlywed and often times I am hit with the “It won’t be me syndrome.” Thinking as if everything that I heard from other couples (seasoned or not) won’t happen to me and my husband. Allowing deception and pride to make me think as if I have the secret to doing things differently and EVERYBODY ELSE just doesn’t get it. My thought patterns were… “Communication can’t be that hard, I won’t have communication problems with my husband, all you have to do is talk, when I get mad at him, I’ll just quickly tell him how I feel.

That all went down the drain as soon as I said “I Do.” I began to see how weak my communication skills were with my husband. The following forms of silence began… shutting down, being short of words, withdrawing, adopting the false peace syndrome-fake it until you make it, pretend nothing is wrong… eventually you will get over it….This was the silent syndrome. These symptoms arose in my marriage quite frequently and I found comfort in holding on to these forms of miscommunication.  

After many times of repeating these hideous behaviors, I began to feel a sense of “disconnection” from my husband and wondered where did it come from? Often times, I would notice this when we were riding in the car. There would be this space of silence from me for about 2 minutes. He would say, “Honey what’s wrong?” After about 10 to 15 seconds more of silence, funky attitude, and body adjacent to the door as if I was going to fall out of the car, I would say “nothing.” WHAT?! REALLY?! (probably were my husbands thoughts) how crazy was that! Obviously, this most definitely was not the way to handle this situation! End Result: My husband became aggravated and shut down as well. Umm let me see here… I was left agitated, my husband frustrated, and most importantly God was not delighted in my behavior whatsoever. In addition to this, if nothing is done about it, the behaviors will continue.  

Ummm attention everyone! Time does NOT heal all wounds, IF THE MATTER IS NOT DEALT WITH PROPERLY! More time with unresolved issues brings more discontentment, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, and so forth. BEWARE! This will definitely lead to a divorce. An emotional divorce can take place in the marriage early on before the actual separation happens.

So after saying all of this, what is the answer?

Call for Help!-. This can be from trusted pastors, spiritual mentors, etc.

Line up with the word of God.- I began to accept God’s word as the standard for my marriage and if my actions were anything different, I needed to change. (clearing my throat) yes, ME! Not my husband.  God doesn’t give us the RIGHT to hold on to anger, or the RIGHT to not forgive! Getting an understanding on what the Bible says about communication and walking in love. (Ephesians 4:15)

Repent!- Apologizing to God for my actions and turning away from those behaviors. Asking God to change my heart and help me to communicate in love. Then apologize to my husband for treating him so badly.

What I have to do today to keep me from this vicious cycle of the silent syndrome?-

•  Know that your spouse is NOT your enemy!- Meaning when you attack your husband/wife, you are really attacking each other and not the issue at hand.

 

• Pick and Choose Battles- Everything doesn’t have to be addressed. Go to God and pray about the issue before it is brought to your husband/ or wife. Have a husband-wife meeting once a week to address the issues that God lays on your heart.

• Choose Right Daily!- Read the word. Get God’s heart on communication. Make a choice to respond the right way when issues arise, because they WILL come, it’s a matter of how they are handled.

Don’t have a movie marriage, adopting the silent syndrome and looking for temporary fixes to ease your world of emotions. Experience the oneness, fullness, and thrill of a lifetime in Christ with your spouse while there is time!