Hard Conversations by Pam Houston

  In our relationships we have to make sure we hold hard conversations when making a decision about a vital matter that ultimately affects both parties.  Much of the time we tend to agree on a matter without fully talking it through in anticipation and preparation of what COULD happen in the future.   We do not talk about the pros and the cons.  One person throws the matter out there and the other unknowingly, with good intentions quickly agrees without thoroughly examining the matter. 

Fast-forward 3 months from now, and that agreement which was made ever so quickly, without being talked thru on both parts is causing problems.  Situations are arising.  Frustrations are setting in. Pressure is mounting.  Bitterness starts to take its toll and all havoc breaks loose.  The original agreement is diluted and we find ourselves in an aftermath of chaos; and one finds himself or herself  talking about “Ummm, I did not sign up for this!!!!!!”  This is all due to the “hard conversation” that never took place. 

It is better to schedule those challenging matters for our husband-wife meetings.  It is allows the necessary space and time to have the “hard conversations”  One example is if a husband gets laid off from his job and his wife decides she is going back to school to further her education so that it can make an impact on their future.  Sounds good, right?  Sacrifice now and it will pay off later?  They quickly agree to the idea without thoroughly having the “hard conversation”.  One day, he/she gets home and there is slamming of doors, attitudes flying, one is attacking the other verbally.  Things that should not be said are being said.  One is ready to throw in the towel…”I am too stressed; you have to get a job. I can not do this anymore.  This just is not fair and I need help with all these bills!!! (Even though they previously made an agreement.)  

The “hard conversations” are really talking things through in detail.  The pros and the cons, and every minute detail should be included so that each is very clear on what can happen. The couple is prepared in the event that one may “lose ground”, feeling overwhelmed and having a rough day.  Because we have already discussed this, we are ready to support one another in any situation; and we talked about some of the things that could arise in advance.  Basically, we are pre -acting by having that “Hard Conversation”.  Now! This is something we expected.  We can do this!!

 

In turn, this prevents the enemy from gaining ground in this relationship and the negative situations that may show up from time to time.  “Hard  Conversations” cover the bases and now we have protected ourselves against the fiery darts of the enemy and the attacks that take place.  The spirit of division has less of a chance of slipping in because we sat down in our husband-wife meetings and had those hard conversations.  It can be used to diffuse the enemy’s tactics at the gate. 

Couples will often find that we face challenges together but if we use these types of communication skills, these “hard conversations” and make them a priority when making decisions as a couple.  We should all dig deeper and go beyond the surface.  We just may prevent one very un-welcomed situation!!!! 

Do You Have A DEAD SEA Marriage? By Carleton & Angela Booker

           Why do so many marriages fall apart?  Couples who once seemed so into one another – have lost the love they once held.  Spouses begin to question, “Who are you?”

            What exactly causes the death of a marriage?  My wife and I have ministered to a lot of married couples and shared our story; which has not always been easy. Our marriage has been no fairytale; but we have learned many lessons over the years that have shaped our marriage into to what it is today. We have gone through the good, the bad, and the ugly in 36 years of marriage; and at one point we, too, asked the question: “Who are you?”

One evening I was watching a television show on Alaska.  They were talking about how extreme the weather conditions can be and sometimes it gets well below zero degrees. When this happens everything is frozen except the water in the homes.  As I was watching the show, I wondered why the water in the home was the only thing that didn’t freeze. The Lord quickened my Spirit and delivered the answer to that question “Who are you?”

            For a moment, let’s put on our spiritual eye glasses and look at Newton's Law of Motion. Newton’s Law of Motion states if no external force is applied to an object and the object is at rest, it will remain at rest. It also states if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Now let me connect the dots for you! In order to get water into the homes during extreme weather conditions in Alaska, the water must be continuously moving. If at any point that water is not moving, it will freeze in the pipes and no water will flow into the homes.

This is exactly what the devil wants to happen in your marriage. He wants us to stop moving spiritually and physically, avoid getting in the Word, and stop praying, stop dating, stop loving.  The enemy wants to keep the Spirit of God frozen in your life. Whenever we have encountered this issue while counseling couples, they have no clue how this happened within their relationship.  Newton’s Law of Motion says if the object is in motion it will continue to move with the same velocity. Many couples find themselves stuck and not moving forward with many aspects of their life. They stop moving forward with each other, in love, and intimacy! Whether you have been married one year or thirty years, one day you may wake up and ask the question “Who are you?”  This only happens when we stop growing in our union with Christ and with one another.

            Have you ever been near a lake or a river that is not moving? You will notice it becomes green with algae and will even begin to stink! This happens when there is lack of proper circulation, filtration and sanitation, which is the primary cause of the algae. Many couples find themselves in a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE” filled with stinking algae.  How do you avoid a “DEAD SEA MARRIAGE”? Your marriage needs constant flow and movement in order to have growth. Pray for your spouse, study God’s word together, talk to her, spend time with her.  Keep it moving!

Before I close I want to leave you with this word: Exodus 14:15 "And the Lord said unto Moses, wherefore cries thou unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel that they go forward".
In this passage, God had already given Israel deliverance from the Egyptians as they are headed toward the Promised land. They came to the Red Sea and the enemy was not far behind them. They were stuck. The only direction for them to move was FORWARD. However there was no apparent way to go forward. There were no boats, bridges and no possible way to swim across. Moses cried unto the Lord and God said, “Tell the people to get moving!"  When they did, God did something he had never done before; and Israel walked on dry land.

A miracle happened when they began to MOVE FORWARD!

If you find your marriage extremely frozen with no movement or asking yourself that dreadful question: “Who are you?” I encourage you to move forward with the velocity in your marriage and apply external force together. Move forward together and don’t let your marriage be at rest or it will remain at rest.